Death is strange. It bypasses those that deserve it, takes those that have so much to offer, and leaves us with a guilty peaceful feeling.. If anyone reads this, please say a prayer for my cousin. He wasn't supposed to live past the age of 6, I think, and he'll be 31 this year if he makes it.. He's in the hospital now. He can't breathe on his own and they have him on a respirator. His mother signed a DNR today, so my mom has gone down there to be with her. This is so hard for my entire family and everyone is praying for everyone else and I think it's just now hitting me that he's going to die. Who's gonna recite The Night Before Christmas for me now..? Sure, it takes him 20 minutes, but he knows every fucking word. He'll never finish his book.. He doesn't deserve to be in so much pain...
More from James today. I got a job at the plant; I started Friday. I was tying knots to make one long, continuous Slim Jim. Today, however, I was moved to the beef jerky side. Thank heaven. Anyways, I was loading frozen meat into a squishing machine and I guess James thought it was fun or something, so he took over. I'm sure no one noticed, so I didn't even try to stop him. I'm really glad he's been getting some air. I don't even think I told Eden about this, but he's the reason I stopped going to therapy. R, my therapist in Savannah, wanted to start integrating my alters and she wanted to do James first. She said I don't really need him, but of course I do. If I didn't, he wouldn't still be around. I think it freaked him out and he stopped coming around for a while, so hopefully he knows now that I don't want to get rid of him. Same with all of my alters, whoever's in there. Sure, I could do without a few of them. Maybe they're not around anymore, but I can't be sure. I feel like every alter that's come and "gone" is still in there somewhere, packed inside deep where I can't see or hear. It's a strange feeling. I never thought I'd have such an immaculate, intricate web inside of me. It's crazy to think that my brain is able to turn me into someone completely different with little to no remembrance of it on my part. It blows my mind. I used to think it was horrible to feel 10 different ways about something, but now I realize that it's expanded my vision in life and given me more substance and capacity as a person. That's why I stopped seeing R. We weren't going to let her take away the only thing I've ever known and truly felt was mine.
Oh 3am...
I wrote this as a journal entry to post on here and never got around to it.
James was out for a moment today. He was angry that I was wearing tight pants and I thought of the irony... The one day I wear those for like 2 hours and he showed up. He was excited about maybe getting a job at the beef jerky plant. He would be.. He wanted me to put down his information on the application and I thought that would have been silly.
The whole thing was like a shot of adrenaline when I came back. That was hours ago and I still feel hyped. That's just James, though. He's all enthusiasm and "Hard work pays off" and just an all around ball of energy. I like to imagine he would fall in love with Jack. She seems like the kind of girl that would interest him because he wouldn't understand her. Not many people do. But she'd be good for him - he doesn't much care for kissing or physical contact either.
My mind is a tilt-a-whirl.. Constantly. However, I am liking the fact that my alters are coming out. It gives me more of a sense of stability and security. It's what I know. And they, in a weird, psychobabbly kinda way, complete the puzzle.
Also, I'd like to say:
The Goodwill here is the best thing -ever-. Thank you for giving me $100 worth of shorts for $9.17.
Labels: James
I had a pretty good childhood from what I remember. My dad worked 3rd shift, so he was asleep by the time I'd come home from school. We were so happy when they put him on 1st. I had a ton of friends (as children do) and my mom was awesome and I even got along with my siblings. Now that you know that my life wasn't complete shit from the beginning, let's skip ahead to the real beginning, shall we?
I eventually got away. And all I knew to do was run my athletic ass in the direction that I saw my brother walking. I finally caught up to him, but I was too tired and couldn't speak by the time I did. He took me back to Mike's house and I went to bed. I woke up and Mike was in bed with me. His hand was in my pants and his face was so close to my neck that it was sweating from his breath. I screamed that time. I didn't hesitate. My brother came running in there and dragged him out of the bed, dragged him outside, and beat the hell out of him. So Mike's mom called the cops and we ran. Now keep in mind that I was like 75-80 lbs and no taller than 5'2". And I had drugs in my system that I'd never had before. So with all that activity and blood loss, I got a little loopy.
A patrolling officer saw us walking up the road and pulled over. I couldn't stand or speak. He thought I was drunk and he put something in my mouth and told me to blow. Two red 0's flashed and everything started getting black. I remember being put in the back of his car. And I thought I was dreaming that everything was liquid and black and too thick to breathe and I was sinking. And then it got very still in my head and there was this...not really a light, but sort of?... It was more like Navi for the afterlife. It told me I was dead and that I needed to go back because it wasn't time for me yet.
I woke up on my mother's couch drenched with sweat and urine, apparently. I made my way to the bathroom to change clothes and just cried. At the time, I didn't really know why I was crying. I guess it was Emily because it all happened to her from the point of being drug up the hill. She gave me the memory back not too long ago, actually, because she was told I could handle it. So anyways, that's the first part. The second part is just a few sentences.
By the time I told someone what I thought happened, it'd been too long to go to court because any kind of vaginal evidence was gone. But he got what he deserved. If only I could have been the guy that killed him... When I found out he was dead... I can't explain that feeling. Elation? Peace? Freedom? So many things went through my mind and I felt so many different things.. I only wish that's where it really ended...
I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts
I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom
The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero
Well, I can see behind the curtain
(I can see it now)
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom
I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom.
Turn It Off - Paramore
It seems Rae's comment feature isn't working. Does anyone know how to fix it?
Eden.
Labels: Eden
When Rae started this blog, we expected no one to read it. But Eden got so much attention, so most of the people that end up here just filtered down through her. Which is fun for Eden, we imagine, but we have to be honest with anyone and everyone that reads because we feel it's owed to you at least. We don't want our relationship to be a lie, so let's get this straight. We don't do this for you. We're not writing this blog for you or so that you'll read it; just this paragraph. This is all you will likely ever get from me, personally. I am not like Eden. I do not care for people and I do not try to be nice because I think the human race is repugnant and idiotic and the world would be better off without most of us. We have a hard enough time getting through the day, wading through Rae's miserable pool of shit and bad circumstances without occasionally becoming or being made to feel like some kind of sideshow entertainment for "normal" people. Also, I don't like you, nor do I care.
The biggest reason I'm still on this site is because I send traffic to Eden sometimes. I'm actually uber paranoid of putting myself out on the internet like this because it's like cutting open my chest for everyone to see and I know you'll never feel the pain that caused these scars or see the tears that formed these oceans. Most can't and never will understand, not even for a second, what it's like to honestly forget who you are - to forget your own face, your name, the people you love most; to look in the mirror and see yourself for the first time. Most people don't have to live life feeling dirty all the time or ashamed that you can't remember what everyone else is talking about. It's a fucked up thing to open my mouth and someone else's voice and someone else's words come out instead of my own. I'd rather be left alone...where I can't hurt anyone anymore and I don't have to feel anymore. You can read my blog, but you don't know me, and honestly, you never will. How could you? I don't even know myself..
Labels: Laia
