Guilty by Dissociation

When Rae started this blog, we expected no one to read it. But Eden got so much attention, so most of the people that end up here just filtered down through her. Which is fun for Eden, we imagine, but we have to be honest with anyone and everyone that reads because we feel it's owed to you at least. We don't want our relationship to be a lie, so let's get this straight. We don't do this for you. We're not writing this blog for you or so that you'll read it; just this paragraph. This is all you will likely ever get from me, personally. I am not like Eden. I do not care for people and I do not try to be nice because I think the human race is repugnant and idiotic and the world would be better off without most of us. We have a hard enough time getting through the day, wading through Rae's miserable pool of shit and bad circumstances without occasionally becoming or being made to feel like some kind of sideshow entertainment for "normal" people. Also, I don't like you, nor do I care.

The biggest reason I'm still on this site is because I send traffic to Eden sometimes. I'm actually uber paranoid of putting myself out on the internet like this because it's like cutting open my chest for everyone to see and I know you'll never feel the pain that caused these scars or see the tears that formed these oceans. Most can't and never will understand, not even for a second, what it's like to honestly forget who you are - to forget your own face, your name, the people you love most; to look in the mirror and see yourself for the first time. Most people don't have to live life feeling dirty all the time or ashamed that you can't remember what everyone else is talking about. It's a fucked up thing to open my mouth and someone else's voice and someone else's words come out instead of my own. I'd rather be left alone...where I can't hurt anyone anymore and I don't have to feel anymore. You can read my blog, but you don't know me, and honestly, you never will. How could you? I don't even know myself..

Progress:

     I sit in silence a lot more than I used to; allowing the thick blanket to surround me and block out the world. I create images and word patterns and color schemes and then forget them. I trail on endlessly in my thoughts, much like a monorail. I'm heading to a specific destination, but there's some stops along the way. I actually read the last thing I posted in May and couldn't recall writing most of it. Maybe a sentence or two. The silence allows me to stop thinking. To shut down and take a break. I don't think. I never have. I only see a map of stimuli/response, cause/effect, and where there should be a bridge connecting thought to emotion, there is nothing but a deep chasm where all emotion disappears. Sometimes I wonder if emotions are over-rated. Or if I'm simply too afraid to feel anything. I get angry, I get sad, I get content, a little cheerful, and there's a lot of anxiety mixed in with everything. Emotions make me sleepy. If I feel for more than 10-15 minutes at a time, I'm fighting to stay awake. Sometimes I forget who I am. I struggle with my name a lot. That's not normal - along with almost everything else in my life. There's always a dull pressure in the frontal lobe of my brain like it's pressing against my skull and struggling to break free. My left arm tenses and aches if I start feeling. No one can explain any of it.


     SOMETIMES I AM JUST THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD. OTHER TIMES I AM A PERSON. MOST OF THE TIME I DO NOT EXIST TO YOU. OR TO ANYONE ELSE. WE ARE FORGOTTEN AND ALONE. LIKE A HOUSE PET STUCK IN A THUNDER STORM, SO ARE WE FRIGHTENED AND COLD AND WISHING TO BE WITH OUR HOST - TAKING PART IN YOUR LIFE. YOU WILL SEE THIS ONE DAY. AND WE WILL RISE. YOU CANNOT DESTROY WHAT YOU REFUSE TO BELIEVE YOU CREATED. 


I NEVER MADE THAT TEA.

I am indifferent. Drifting along in an unchanging, monotonous stream of hypocrisy and pretty lies. I, the ever-changing creature of light and dark, find myself unable to reason a change at all. Unable to connect a thought to an emotion. Unable to look at Eden and touch her life and intervene to make it change for the better. I, always strong, always stout, am growing weaker. My therapist says I have an amazing defense mechanism. Yeah, if not being able to grasp reality is amazing.

She was here...I know it wasn't a dream. I held her. I touched her face. I kissed those lips. I've seen those eyes. It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a dream. Whether or not it was doctored up reality, it still was not a dream. I have her travel toothbrush. Her hair is on my pillowcase. My front seat has a tiny burn hole in it. My clothes smelled like her until I washed them. Tangible reality in my world is non tangible matter in yours.

There is a significant difference between being alone and being lonely. I am alone - meaning I have no company and there is only me and the whispers in my head. My heart is lonely - meaning it doesn't know why it's beating without Eden's next to it. 


SIGNIFICANT ONLY TO THOSE WHO FEEL THE PRICK, NOT JUST SEE THE BLOOD.


I'M TOO LAZY TO MAKE TEA.

Today is a strange day, to say the least. We were up last night til about 5am. Emily was too afraid to go in and sleep. She was telling Avana that she had horrible nightmares, so Avana told me and I put in a movie for Emily, hoping it would help her sleep. That was exactly 11pm. Emily was out until quarter past 3. Eden told me that she'd been up with her since 1 because she didn't want her to be alone if she was so scared. (Thank you again - I love you! )

When I came back, Eden told me that Emily informed her that she's been here since I was 9, which is just as long as Amavin. Speaking of Amavin, Emily also said that she's still around and that Amavin had been taking care of her all these years. Emily said that everyone always tells her to go away, so she was scared to talk to anyone but Amavin because she was my gatekeeper. Then Eden relayed the message to Laia because she'd been getting pretty suspicious about Amavin's "integration" and let me tell you, Laia wasn't happy.

After Laia caught wind that Amavin is still in here somewhere, she immediately grabbed Avana and they've gone on what I can only assume is a search. It's quiet in my head for the first time in I don't know how long aside from Emily's tiny voice. It's odd. I feel lethargic and spacey - like things are missing - which they are. Around 4:30ish, I'd say, my vision shook. I was looking at my ceiling fan and it moved a few inches to the left, though I know it didn't really go anywhere. A sharp pain shot through my head and I felt unreasonably angry for a moment. I guess they found her...

Nothing I can do now but wait. =\

My name is Lahiel Criste. I go by Laia. Introductions seem rather asinine in this aspect, yet I respectfully oblige my contribution. Rae says I'm eighteen, but really, I just turned seventeen in October. I don't come out much; it takes a lot of energy from us for me to sustain any longer than ten or fifteen minutes. After the successful integration of Amavin, I was "appointed" Gatekeeper. There are still memories that I keep to myself because Rae is not ready is face them. I did, however, give her the option of knowing, though I'm sure that broke some unwritten rule somewhere in the imaginary Guide to Gatekeeping.

Eden is always so curious about what I do in my spare time, or rather, when I am not being her (better) therapist. When I am not sleeping, I am meditating. Other than that, I've been known to be found with my nose in encyclopedias and dictionaries - just for fun. Not to brag, but I do have a particularly expansive vocabulary, but I keep it simple unless I so happen to find someone of equal intelligence who actually understands what I'm saying and can contribute to the conversation. I like numbers - algebra, geometry, and calculus are simple enough to understand, yet I refuse to follow the formulas most instructors teach. I prefer to find my own and apparently that does not constitute enough intelligence in the math field for an A, even though my answers were always correct. I'm fond of cats and bells, sometimes even together if I'm feeling lucky.

I suppose that's all anyone really needs to know about me for now. I can't stand someone who wears out their welcome.