Guilty by Dissociation

Today was Eden and my 3 month anniversary. It got off to a shaky start.. I woke up depressed, got angry, then apathetic, then a small bout of mania hit me, and after that I was fine. However, she was not. I said something hurtful (again) which turned out to be another miscommunication because my thoughts are so scattered it's hard to put my words in the right order most times. That was actually part of the reason they tried to diagnose me with Schizophrenia - the "word salad", if you will. Seriously, it's hard to speak clearly and effectively when I can barely hear myself think over my "headlings", as she calls them. We spent most of the day away from each other and barely speaking, even after she'd accepted my apology - no fault of her own, she had things to do today. I just played my guitar for her until she fell asleep. She's so beautiful when she sleeps...peace looks good on her.

For me, the day kind of slipped away. I don't remember a lot of what happened, seeing as Laia and Avana were more active than usual. Normally, they only emerge from a trigger or when Eden repeatedly beckons one to speak to her. Sometimes it's like "Beetlejuice" with them, other times they just don't come out for her.

I had a splitting headache all day on the right side of my head. As Avana said, it's painful for us to alter. I still don't understand why and probably never will. It's not painful when Laia takes over, but it drains me and I usually fall asleep immediately afterward if she doesn't fall asleep first.

For the last few days I've noticed a small voice in the back of my mind, much like a child. I have never had a "little", other than Sehetha, but she was successfully integrated in early 2006. I'm a bit anxious about this because I'm immature in some aspects as it is and I don't need a child taking over my soon to be 20 year old body. I haven't mentioned it to Eden yet. Will have to do so in the morning, hopefully before she reads this. Laia will remind me. She's like my built in personal planner.

Other than that, things have been pretty normal. Or..as normal as they can be for me. It's funny...10 years of living with DID and I still get a little frightened when I can't remember things or when I lose time. I can usually remember a little of what Laia or Avana have done, but I still get nervous when I can't. Then again, I can barely remember things I've done personally...