Guilty by Dissociation

     My name is Rae. I am 19 years old and I was diagnosed at the age of 15 (when I first saw a therapist) with Dissociative Identity Disorder, though it started when I was about 10. I was misdiagnosed at first as schizophrenic and bipolar (bipolarity is still in question). But, without fail, I would lose days, weeks at a time. My therapist was fortunate enough to witness it. I showed up to my appointment as Amavin and that solidified my diagnosis. 

     There were a lot of people in my head at one time and it was evident enough to her that it wasn't just a mood swing. I received treatment for 2 years, my therapist left the agency, and I haven't been back since. Right now, the reason is because I may not have insurance and I lack funds to pay for it out of pocket. The furthest we got in my therapy was learning how to communicate with them, but we never integrated because my therapist left before we were finished. Oh, and try to understand now that you will not always understand me. I don't always understand me, either, so it's okay.

     There are now only 2 others that occupy my mind. Their names are Laia and Avana. I hear Laia from my left and Avana from my right. I seem to be stuck somewhere in the middle, not really knowing much about anything. Laia is some kind of philosophical genius with little hope for humanity and she's very practical and down to earth. Avana loves research and piano and painting and she's so full of life most of the time. At night, she gets a bit more serious because that's when she's 'working'.

Dissociation in Children and Adolescents: A Developmental Perspective by Frank W. Putnam centers around the idea that dissociative disorders are caused by traumas during childhood; and since I suffered numerous severe childhood traumas, this book helped me gain a broader knowledge on why I may have "split". It reviews theories, research data, clinical experience, and suggested treatments.


However, there are many other theories of dissociative disorders, what causes them, if multiple personalities are actually independently functional others rather than severe mood swings that have taken a life of their own.

It's odd being me...I mean, how many people have learned how to talk to the voices in their head and not been able to integrate? The only advantage is I understand myself a lot better and I'm never alone. It's like they're family or something and because we've been talking everyday for the past few years, I'm honestly afraid of them leaving. But I know that one day it has to happen. I can't be a divided person forever - it's hard enough doing it now.