Every morning I wake up thinking about my dog and what I can do to get him back. I think of ways to avoid moving in with my landlords. I think of Eden telling her parents on Saturday that we're engaged. I think of money and how things would be so much better if I had some. I shut my eyes tight and recap the nightmares. Then I drift off into a sort of catatonic state and stare at the wall or the ceiling, waiting for reality to go away so that I can come back. After almost 2 weeks of this, I'm exhausted and my eyes burn and I don't want to breathe because even that is a pain in the ass lately.
I don't know where I am most of the time. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm fairly certain I'm awake and this isn't another nightmare. I'm lost and no one knows. I never talk about it. The outer stresses are enough to keep people from suspecting there's more going on inside. I've thought about going back home where I don't have to pay rent or buy food. That thought quickly goes away when I realize that I wouldn't be with Eden anymore... Speaking of Eden:
Tomorrow is her birthday. I can't buy her a gift or a card or take her somewhere nice. It seems that I never have extra money or any money at all whenever her birthday or a holiday comes around. It's fine; I just wish I could do more for her than what I'm planning to do. I wish I could plan something that will show her how much I love her and appreciate her, but nothing I come up with is good enough. Then again, going out to dinner with her parents is pretty close, seeing as they don't support us at all; and I can't even get into that right now because I'm trying to stay numb as long as possible.
In other news, Duke beat UNC last night!! The Tarheels had them by almost 20 points in the first half and I was freaking out. But Coach K must have put the fear of God in his boys because they came back after half time and dominated. That's the best thing that's happened to me since the hysterical laughter I suffered when Duke played NC State last week.
I think that wraps it up. I'm stressed out and tired and sad and nothing's going the way it should right now. But it will. Soon, I hope. Otherwise, I'm not sure what's going to happen to me and my false sense of security..
Labels: General
