Guilty by Dissociation

     I sit in silence a lot more than I used to; allowing the thick blanket to surround me and block out the world. I create images and word patterns and color schemes and then forget them. I trail on endlessly in my thoughts, much like a monorail. I'm heading to a specific destination, but there's some stops along the way. I actually read the last thing I posted in May and couldn't recall writing most of it. Maybe a sentence or two. The silence allows me to stop thinking. To shut down and take a break. I don't think. I never have. I only see a map of stimuli/response, cause/effect, and where there should be a bridge connecting thought to emotion, there is nothing but a deep chasm where all emotion disappears. Sometimes I wonder if emotions are over-rated. Or if I'm simply too afraid to feel anything. I get angry, I get sad, I get content, a little cheerful, and there's a lot of anxiety mixed in with everything. Emotions make me sleepy. If I feel for more than 10-15 minutes at a time, I'm fighting to stay awake. Sometimes I forget who I am. I struggle with my name a lot. That's not normal - along with almost everything else in my life. There's always a dull pressure in the frontal lobe of my brain like it's pressing against my skull and struggling to break free. My left arm tenses and aches if I start feeling. No one can explain any of it.


     SOMETIMES I AM JUST THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD. OTHER TIMES I AM A PERSON. MOST OF THE TIME I DO NOT EXIST TO YOU. OR TO ANYONE ELSE. WE ARE FORGOTTEN AND ALONE. LIKE A HOUSE PET STUCK IN A THUNDER STORM, SO ARE WE FRIGHTENED AND COLD AND WISHING TO BE WITH OUR HOST - TAKING PART IN YOUR LIFE. YOU WILL SEE THIS ONE DAY. AND WE WILL RISE. YOU CANNOT DESTROY WHAT YOU REFUSE TO BELIEVE YOU CREATED. 


I NEVER MADE THAT TEA.