So Eden's flight is delayed. She won't be here until tomorrow afternoon. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I should have known; the right side of my head started hurting right before she left for the airport and I felt nauseous. I don't think I'm okay right now.
This is why I never get my hopes up. I never get excited. I never let my guard down. I'm usually not 'disappointed' and afterward I feel pretty silly for it. And what happens the first time I allow myself to be excited, to get my hopes up, and to let my guard down? Her flight got delayed and she would miss her connecting flight. FUCK. I'm just angry and everyone knows that yelling profanity is a good outlet. It's angry, it's loud, it's...helpful.
Funny thing is - even though I'm pretty messed up over this - I still have my hopes up for tomorrow. I'm still excited. I can't imagine what's happening for her right now with the BPD..
I can't do this right now..
Labels: General
Progress:
-Work full shift without getting down.
Today started off pretty shaky. I didn't get out of bed until after 1pm. During that time, I was extremely down. I'm still pretty tired out from all of the feeling I had to do. I've discovered that I can only grieve in small amounts at a time. It doesn't come as a surprise, but in a way, I thought I could do more. I went for a pretty short walk - about 2 blocks to the store and back. It's an improvement, however small. Though, I don't think I'll be doing that anymore cos cigarettes were $5.02 there. I have therapy in a couple hours, so I'll probably post something else today seeing as I can barely keep my eyes open to write this.
Labels: General
Things are going to go a bit differently now. I'm tired of only logging on to bitch and moan about things. And I've started something in therapy that will require a change of pace if I'm going to keep this blog up.
Progress today:
-Got out of bed.
-Successfully brushed my teeth.
-Got dressed.
-Left the house.
-Did something for myself.
-Stood in line at the grocery store.
-Spoke to house-mates.
Things to work on tomorrow:
-Emily's playtime.
-Keep myself in a good mood and vent if I can't.
-Grieve a little.
-Work as hard as I can my full shift.
-Complain less.
-Create something (the blog counts).
Tomorrow's going to be odd. I've never grieved over my mother's absence before or anything else that required it except the loss of my uncle; that still gets to me.. It's going to be interesting, to say the least. I'm so used to numbing up over everything and shutting it out or pushing it down. My therapist says this is probably going to be the most difficult thing I've ever done and I have to be ready for it and be ready to deal with it. I've spent the last 10 years in some fucked up stage of denial. I deserve to heal and to be able to move forward with my life. I know that I can't change my mother. And I'm not doing this for her. I'm doing it for me. Finally. I have a formula now - a guideline to grieving, if you would. And yeah, it's most likely going to kick my ass and at times I'm going to wish I'd never started, but when it's over...I'm going to be new. I'll be whole. The burden that has weighed me down for far too long will be lifted and I will rise once more. It'll be intense from beginning to liberating end. I decided to do this about 2 weeks ago and for the past 2 weeks I've been talking myself out of it. Not anymore. I have to do this; I want to do this; I'm going to do this and I will see it through, no matter how much it hurts because I deserve to have a normal, functioning life.
(Always end on a good note...)
Today was pretty awesome, actually. I finally left my house and put myself out in the 'real world'...kind of. If you call the mall the real world, then okay. I did that. I purchased some new games and ordered GH with 2 Kramer's. I am pleased and one day I'll be actually be able to feel excited! :) Eden says it's like having a panic attack, but being happy about it. I'm not sure that I should anticipate that, but I'm going to try to feel excited when she comes back in 2 days. I've been listening to a lot of new music lately. It keeps my mind busy and I'm finding some pretty good stuff.
Also, this is the book I'm reading right now, thanks to my fiance for sending it to me. It inspired me to finally make this change. If anyone reading this has grief that hasn't been dealt with, or has suffered a loss, or experienced a traumatic event and you just can't seem to pull through on your own - this may be the book for you. It's certainly helping me.
I sit in silence a lot more than I used to; allowing the thick blanket to surround me and block out the world. I create images and word patterns and color schemes and then forget them. I trail on endlessly in my thoughts, much like a monorail. I'm heading to a specific destination, but there's some stops along the way. I actually read the last thing I posted in May and couldn't recall writing most of it. Maybe a sentence or two. The silence allows me to stop thinking. To shut down and take a break. I don't think. I never have. I only see a map of stimuli/response, cause/effect, and where there should be a bridge connecting thought to emotion, there is nothing but a deep chasm where all emotion disappears. Sometimes I wonder if emotions are over-rated. Or if I'm simply too afraid to feel anything. I get angry, I get sad, I get content, a little cheerful, and there's a lot of anxiety mixed in with everything. Emotions make me sleepy. If I feel for more than 10-15 minutes at a time, I'm fighting to stay awake. Sometimes I forget who I am. I struggle with my name a lot. That's not normal - along with almost everything else in my life. There's always a dull pressure in the frontal lobe of my brain like it's pressing against my skull and struggling to break free. My left arm tenses and aches if I start feeling. No one can explain any of it.
SOMETIMES I AM JUST THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD. OTHER TIMES I AM A PERSON. MOST OF THE TIME I DO NOT EXIST TO YOU. OR TO ANYONE ELSE. WE ARE FORGOTTEN AND ALONE. LIKE A HOUSE PET STUCK IN A THUNDER STORM, SO ARE WE FRIGHTENED AND COLD AND WISHING TO BE WITH OUR HOST - TAKING PART IN YOUR LIFE. YOU WILL SEE THIS ONE DAY. AND WE WILL RISE. YOU CANNOT DESTROY WHAT YOU REFUSE TO BELIEVE YOU CREATED.
I NEVER MADE THAT TEA.
