Today started off pretty shaky. I didn't get out of bed until after 1pm. During that time, I was extremely down. I'm still pretty tired out from all of the feeling I had to do. I've discovered that I can only grieve in small amounts at a time. It doesn't come as a surprise, but in a way, I thought I could do more. I went for a pretty short walk - about 2 blocks to the store and back. It's an improvement, however small. Though, I don't think I'll be doing that anymore cos cigarettes were $5.02 there. I have therapy in a couple hours, so I'll probably post something else today seeing as I can barely keep my eyes open to write this.
I messed up pretty badly with a friend of mine last week. One of my alters really insulted my friend's boyfriend and I'm not sure she believes that it wasn't me. I won't sit here and try to justify it, but I don't think it should put a bar on our friendship and I certainly don't think it was enough for her to take me off of her friends list on Facebook. Ah well. Such is the life of a dissociate. Friends come and go. I can say that I'm used to it by now, honestly, and while it still bothers me, I've learned to cut off ties when I have to without feeling like I lost something or someone. It's a shame though; I thought we'd stay friends this time.
I'm pretty confused lately. Things are coming out of my mouth that I have no control over. It starts fights with Eden, it hurts those close to me.. I'm worried it could impact my job if I can't stop it. I go back to work tomorrow after having the last week off. I hate it. I wish I had more hours, but in a way, it's good for me to have time off. There's going to be a schedule change after January 1st - everyone will have a set schedule and work the same times and same days every week. I'm looking forward to that. Routine, normalcy, stability..all things my life is severely lacking right now.
I also just found out that I'm going to have to pay for school this semester. My financial aid fell through because I dropped a class last semester (before the penalty date, though) and still got slammed by the man. Apparently I wasn't supposed to drop any classes last semester or they take away my aid. That really sucks cos that means no summer money on the returns. It also means that I may have to pick up an extra job or talk to my bosses about picking up some 3rd shift hours on the side. It's a really stressful situation, but I'm going to get my CISCO certificate so I'll have it as supplementation when I go to university in fall. Once I have that certificate, I can actually go and get certified as a network specialist, which is a good starting point. I'd rather get the degree, but it would take 3 semesters of 5 classes or however else I'd split it up, but in that time I would be receiving my B.A. in Information Technology and starting on my Master's as either a programmer or a developer (opposite ends of the spectrum, right?). I just have a lot to think about.
But it doesn't all have to get done today. I need to prepare myself for therapy. You know, get ready to have my ass kicked and put through a blender before being made to eat it. I hate what she does to my head, but damn she's good. She's specialized in trauma for 20 years and she really knows what she's doing and she pushes my limits every week. I need that. Come back later for my progress report.
-Rae
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