1. Don't talk.
Avoid bringing up the few things about your past that you can remember. If someone asks, ignore it and change the subject because it'll bring up old emotions that you worked so hard to shove down and probably trigger a switch anyway. The last thing you need is for someone you barely know to find out you're a multiple.
2. Don't trust.
Trust no one, usually not even yourself. It's unnecessary and it leaves you vulnerable (unless you hardcore follow rule 3). Once you let someone in and you trust them, it gives them power over you - they can hurt you. They can betray you. They can disappear. It usually triggers when those things happen because of everything that's happened before. The whole point is to prevent it from happening again.
3. Don't feel.
Being incapable of feeling most emotions gives you a one-up on this. If you have a full range, you better not show it. Expect nothing. Don't allow an emotion to trickle through and influence your decisions. Don't get your hopes up - it leaves room for more disappointment. Don't get too happy - you're going to crash later and the depression could lead to suicide. Don't get angry; shove it down and block it out instead. Anger triggers a switch. Depression triggers a (dangerous) switch. Disappointment leads to depression, so avoid it at all cost. And most importantly, don't talk about your emotions and don't trust your emotions.
Follow the 3 rules. It's how we cope. It's how we survive. Don't attempt to stray from the path and experiment by breaking one. Let a professional work with you. But until that can happen, it's best for everyone if you just live by the rules.
It's been quite a week..or two..since I last posted (I can't keep track of time). Right now, I'm watching the History Channel on mute and listening to Linkin Park's A Thousand Suns. It's pretty mellow right now - cold, rainy day, low lighting in my room, huge cup of hot coffee (mmmm) and probably some late breakfast afterward.
Anyways... A lot happened this week. Eden had her first therapy session of the year with a new therapist and that seems to have gone well. I won't go into detail; if you feel like reading all about it, go to her blog. I've been training a puppy. His name is Hot-shot and he's definitely part Beagle and based on his build and his tail, I hypothesize the other part is Bluetick. He's a sweetheart and he's making really great progress. I'm looking for a second job - today I'm dropping off an application at Outback and crossing my fingers since one of my room mates works there and said he would talk to the manager for me.
I've been skipping therapy because I can't pay for it right now and I'm not sure if I'm okay with it. I haven't been losing time as much since Eden's been back, but I'm still carrying around a lot of pain and confusion and anger and sometimes I lose it and end up taking it out on her. I'm working on it, but it's slow progress. I'm supposed to be writing a letter to my mom that she'll never get, but I haven't touched it since I started it, I think, December 12. I'll probably let Emily color when I'm done typing because she hasn't had much time to come out lately. Then again, a 7 year old on coffee probably isn't the best idea. I'll come back and the room will be a wreck - crayon on the wall, conte on the furniture, snacks on the floor, spilled drinks, and I'll have a 2 liter in my hand and feel like I haven't slept in 72 hours (which means I'll be hyper and hallucinating). ..Yeah, I think I'll wait a while before she comes out.
My sister's baby is due in a week, so it could be any day now!! I'm so excited! She's been trying for years and kept having miscarriages, so this is her first child! I've been shaking with anticipation and keeping my phone on me at all times just in case. I reeaally hope that I can get up there to be with her when Nathan is born.
Food time is now.
Labels: General
