Guilty by Dissociation

I get angry a lot. I rage over something pretty trivial almost every day. Today it's my phone charging. Not chargER, chargING. Yeah. Apparently I can no longer talk on my phone while it's charging because it will incessantly beep in my ear starting and stopping the charge. It's not Eden's fault, but that doesn't really matter, does it? She's there, she's the one that called me and made it happen, take it out on her. She gets upset with me (norly?), I get more pissed off, she's talking, all I hear is beeps, I got fucking sick of it and hung up on her. Not to end our pointless conversation of "What?" "asdfasdfa" "What?" but to get the hell away from that goddamn beep. I'm calming down, but I'll be in a shitty mood for the rest of the day unless I get fucked up. That's just how it works lately. Pissed off? Smoke weed. Can't stop shaking? There's a Xanax for that. So pissed off that it hurts? Pink 10's fix it right up.

Update fail. I'm too depressed and out of my fucking mind to focus on writing a blog right now. Sorry... I'll recover soon and then I'll explain whatever I can remember. Emily was out today, I think.. So says Eden anyways. I'm done now..

So I was forced to move out of Tyler's apartment. He got an eviction notice cos Mia is over 25 lbs now (She's actually about 35) and the office people noticed. Sooo... I had a stressful weekend of moving into my mom's house (she lives 1.5 hours away, making her the closest family). I'm also passing out on my keyboard cos it's after 1am and I've had a lovely little pill. I'll update again later today. But I'm alive and I have a lot to say...later..yeah. k bye.

...and she won't be able to update for a couple of days. If she wants me to post anything here (or if I get the idea to) then I'll update it again. Otherwise, she'll be back soon!



Eden.

I wonder if anyone else sees silvery lines and static.... huh..

Job interview Tuesday at a cleaning service. Simple enough job, evening hours. It's part time. Better than nothing, but it won't support me. I applied for a few full time jobs too.

Oh, interesting thing happened. I was cooking earlier and I know for a fact that I turned the burner off (we have a gas stove). 20 minutes later, my roommate goes into the kitchen and a pot lid is sitting on the adjacent burner that is turned on high, but no flame. There's no way I did that and there's no way he did that because he was in the living room the whole time and I made sure I turned everything off. I feel like Sylvia Plath's homicidal cousin.

It's a beautiful day today. I think I'll stay inside and keep to myself.

I woke up in a fog. Nothing has seemed real yet. It's like I'm wrapped up in a warm, silky cocoon, intricately woven just for me. Yesterday I was suspended, floating right here with my feet on the ground. Time was still. Things were in slow motion and nothing made sense. It was like everything slowed down but me. I've felt more empty than usual. It's all very strange to live your life by the minute. I waste so many of them, knowing that I only get a few at a time. I've felt that itching in my brain. Walls are shifting, voices whisper...something's in motion. It's been still and silent for so long...too long...13 months too long. But the dark is creeping back behind my eyes again. I welcome this. I embrace it. It's been too long since I've had a break from the constant shit life shovels on my head. It's been too long since I've had the luxury of seeking counsel inside my own mind. It's been too goddamn long since I've tasted the abyss, let it caress me, felt the sweet burn of icy fingers dragging me down into nothing, growing ever colder. To you it may not sound glorious or even desirable. But to me..that is my safe zone. My haven. It's only mine and the dark loves me. It's been too long..

Who the hell am I and what have I done with Rae?
Answer?
Fuck you.

I'm not adjusting too well. Time loss is evident. Cigarettes are getting stale. Food intake is minimum. Where the hell is my lamp? I miss Eden. Mia drives me nuts and no one wants to help me with her. Lonely is lonely alone. I'd rather be lonely with someone else. Roomie didn't come home last night. I'm in the right apartment, right? This place makes my veins itch. I don't belong anywhere. I can't even go home with my family because I'm "not allowed to bring the dog," like I can trust my roommates to take care of her while I'm gone. I wish I could fly... I'd go out in search of a home.. Of somewhere I can exist peacefully without conflict. It's a great crashing, roaring noise that rips apart my mind and gets behind my eyes, X'ing everything in sight with innocent blood and heartache. Who the hell am I?