Death is strange. It bypasses those that deserve it, takes those that have so much to offer, and leaves us with a guilty peaceful feeling.. If anyone reads this, please say a prayer for my cousin. He wasn't supposed to live past the age of 6, I think, and he'll be 31 this year if he makes it.. He's in the hospital now. He can't breathe on his own and they have him on a respirator. His mother signed a DNR today, so my mom has gone down there to be with her. This is so hard for my entire family and everyone is praying for everyone else and I think it's just now hitting me that he's going to die. Who's gonna recite The Night Before Christmas for me now..? Sure, it takes him 20 minutes, but he knows every fucking word. He'll never finish his book.. He doesn't deserve to be in so much pain...
More from James today. I got a job at the plant; I started Friday. I was tying knots to make one long, continuous Slim Jim. Today, however, I was moved to the beef jerky side. Thank heaven. Anyways, I was loading frozen meat into a squishing machine and I guess James thought it was fun or something, so he took over. I'm sure no one noticed, so I didn't even try to stop him. I'm really glad he's been getting some air. I don't even think I told Eden about this, but he's the reason I stopped going to therapy. R, my therapist in Savannah, wanted to start integrating my alters and she wanted to do James first. She said I don't really need him, but of course I do. If I didn't, he wouldn't still be around. I think it freaked him out and he stopped coming around for a while, so hopefully he knows now that I don't want to get rid of him. Same with all of my alters, whoever's in there. Sure, I could do without a few of them. Maybe they're not around anymore, but I can't be sure. I feel like every alter that's come and "gone" is still in there somewhere, packed inside deep where I can't see or hear. It's a strange feeling. I never thought I'd have such an immaculate, intricate web inside of me. It's crazy to think that my brain is able to turn me into someone completely different with little to no remembrance of it on my part. It blows my mind. I used to think it was horrible to feel 10 different ways about something, but now I realize that it's expanded my vision in life and given me more substance and capacity as a person. That's why I stopped seeing R. We weren't going to let her take away the only thing I've ever known and truly felt was mine.
Oh 3am...
I wrote this as a journal entry to post on here and never got around to it.
James was out for a moment today. He was angry that I was wearing tight pants and I thought of the irony... The one day I wear those for like 2 hours and he showed up. He was excited about maybe getting a job at the beef jerky plant. He would be.. He wanted me to put down his information on the application and I thought that would have been silly.
The whole thing was like a shot of adrenaline when I came back. That was hours ago and I still feel hyped. That's just James, though. He's all enthusiasm and "Hard work pays off" and just an all around ball of energy. I like to imagine he would fall in love with Jack. She seems like the kind of girl that would interest him because he wouldn't understand her. Not many people do. But she'd be good for him - he doesn't much care for kissing or physical contact either.
My mind is a tilt-a-whirl.. Constantly. However, I am liking the fact that my alters are coming out. It gives me more of a sense of stability and security. It's what I know. And they, in a weird, psychobabbly kinda way, complete the puzzle.
Also, I'd like to say:
The Goodwill here is the best thing -ever-. Thank you for giving me $100 worth of shorts for $9.17.
Labels: James
