Every morning I wake up thinking about my dog and what I can do to get him back. I think of ways to avoid moving in with my landlords. I think of Eden telling her parents on Saturday that we're engaged. I think of money and how things would be so much better if I had some. I shut my eyes tight and recap the nightmares. Then I drift off into a sort of catatonic state and stare at the wall or the ceiling, waiting for reality to go away so that I can come back. After almost 2 weeks of this, I'm exhausted and my eyes burn and I don't want to breathe because even that is a pain in the ass lately.
Labels: General
Classical music. It comes in different forms, different styles, different rhythms and tones, different emotional context and yet...it's all somehow the same. I hear it sometimes. Usually an orchestrated piano piece, soft and drowned out and somehow very close. I hear it like it's being played just outside of my house.
It never is.
Sometimes I think it's Avana working on her symphony. Sometimes I think it's a part of me that tries so hard to escape and be heard. Sometimes I think I'm just crazy and hearing things again. But it doesn't really matter what I think because it doesn't stop and I really don't mind.
A girl I used to know sent me a video through her (ex?) boyfriend, my best friend, apologizing for the way she's been acting toward us. It was through song. She's crazy talented and I've always hoped she'll be a successful musician one day. The song made me tear up a little. It was the music I had heard in my head just days before. And now I wonder...was I just hearing her compose? Was I hearing the music in her head? Had she written it before I heard it or while I was hearing it? But I'll never know. She hasn't attempted to contact me and that's okay. But I would apologize to her too. She was so close and then she shoved me back and told me to never speak to her again. So far, I have honored that request.
I miss my dog. Still haven't gotten him back. They want to start over on a trial run again because they messed him up and it's somehow our fault. Fuck you.
House isn't being foreclosed until March, so we have a few weeks to get packed and ready to move. No luck on the job search so far. Still haven't been back to therapy. Can't afford it without a job...
My head is numb. Emotions don't exist now. Eden's in class and I'm losing my mind in this mess. Literally, it's hard to move around in here. I just want change - good change - for once. I want feelings and friends and a chance to be someone new. Someone different. Someone I'm proud to be. It's such a beautiful day (68 degrees so far) and I'm sitting around inside trying to stay awake. I think I'll walk to Eden's class and surprise her when she gets out. Take her her backpack and carry her portfolio back home with me so she doesn't have to lug it around all day. I wish I could take her lunch, but we don't have any food. Actually, if I start now, I can make her rice and take it to her.
-flee-
