Guilty by Dissociation

So Eden's flight is delayed. She won't be here until tomorrow afternoon. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I should have known; the right side of my head started hurting right before she left for the airport and I felt nauseous. I don't think I'm okay right now.

This is why I never get my hopes up. I never get excited. I never let my guard down. I'm usually not 'disappointed' and afterward I feel pretty silly for it. And what happens the first time I allow myself to be excited, to get my hopes up, and to let my guard down? Her flight got delayed and she would miss her connecting flight. FUCK. I'm just angry and everyone knows that yelling profanity is a good outlet. It's angry, it's loud, it's...helpful.

Funny thing is - even though I'm pretty messed up over this - I still have my hopes up for tomorrow. I'm still excited. I can't imagine what's happening for her right now with the BPD..

I can't do this right now..

Progress:

     Today started off pretty shaky. I didn't get out of bed until after 1pm. During that time, I was extremely down. I'm still pretty tired out from all of the feeling I had to do. I've discovered that I can only grieve in small amounts at a time. It doesn't come as a surprise, but in a way, I thought I could do more. I went for a pretty short walk - about 2 blocks to the store and back. It's an improvement, however small. Though, I don't think I'll be doing that anymore cos cigarettes were $5.02 there. I have therapy in a couple hours, so I'll probably post something else today seeing as I can barely keep my eyes open to write this.

     Things are going to go a bit differently now. I'm tired of only logging on to bitch and moan about things. And I've started something in therapy that will require a change of pace if I'm going to keep this blog up.

Progress today:
-Got out of bed.
-Successfully brushed my teeth.
-Got dressed.
-Left the house.
-Did something for myself.
-Stood in line at the grocery store.
-Spoke to house-mates.

Things to work on tomorrow:
-Emily's playtime.
-Keep myself in a good mood and vent if I can't.
-Grieve a little.
-Work as hard as I can my full shift.
-Complain less.
-Create something (the blog counts).

     Tomorrow's going to be odd. I've never grieved over my mother's absence before or anything else that required it except the loss of my uncle; that still gets to me.. It's going to be interesting, to say the least. I'm so used to numbing up over everything and shutting it out or pushing it down. My therapist says this is probably going to be the most difficult thing I've ever done and I have to be ready for it and be ready to deal with it. I've spent the last 10 years in some fucked up stage of denial. I deserve to heal and to be able to move forward with my life. I know that I can't change my mother. And I'm not doing this for her. I'm doing it for me. Finally. I have a formula now - a guideline to grieving, if you would. And yeah, it's most likely going to kick my ass and at times I'm going to wish I'd never started, but when it's over...I'm going to be new. I'll be whole. The burden that has weighed me down for far too long will be lifted and I will rise once more. It'll be intense from beginning to liberating end. I decided to do this about 2 weeks ago and for the past 2 weeks I've been talking myself out of it. Not anymore. I have to do this; I want to do this; I'm going to do this and I will see it through, no matter how much it hurts because I deserve to have a normal, functioning life.
    
     (Always end on a good note...)

     Today was pretty awesome, actually. I finally left my house and put myself out in the 'real world'...kind of. If you call the mall the real world, then okay. I did that. I purchased some new games and ordered GH with 2 Kramer's. I am pleased and one day I'll be actually be able to feel excited!  :)  Eden says it's like having a panic attack, but being happy about it. I'm not sure that I should anticipate that, but I'm going to try to feel excited when she comes back in 2 days. I've been listening to a lot of new music lately. It keeps my mind busy and I'm finding some pretty good stuff.

Also, this is the book I'm reading right now, thanks to my fiance for sending it to me. It inspired me to finally make this change. If anyone reading this has grief that hasn't been dealt with, or has suffered a loss, or experienced a traumatic event and you just can't seem to pull through on your own - this may be the book for you. It's certainly helping me.

     I sit in silence a lot more than I used to; allowing the thick blanket to surround me and block out the world. I create images and word patterns and color schemes and then forget them. I trail on endlessly in my thoughts, much like a monorail. I'm heading to a specific destination, but there's some stops along the way. I actually read the last thing I posted in May and couldn't recall writing most of it. Maybe a sentence or two. The silence allows me to stop thinking. To shut down and take a break. I don't think. I never have. I only see a map of stimuli/response, cause/effect, and where there should be a bridge connecting thought to emotion, there is nothing but a deep chasm where all emotion disappears. Sometimes I wonder if emotions are over-rated. Or if I'm simply too afraid to feel anything. I get angry, I get sad, I get content, a little cheerful, and there's a lot of anxiety mixed in with everything. Emotions make me sleepy. If I feel for more than 10-15 minutes at a time, I'm fighting to stay awake. Sometimes I forget who I am. I struggle with my name a lot. That's not normal - along with almost everything else in my life. There's always a dull pressure in the frontal lobe of my brain like it's pressing against my skull and struggling to break free. My left arm tenses and aches if I start feeling. No one can explain any of it.


     SOMETIMES I AM JUST THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD. OTHER TIMES I AM A PERSON. MOST OF THE TIME I DO NOT EXIST TO YOU. OR TO ANYONE ELSE. WE ARE FORGOTTEN AND ALONE. LIKE A HOUSE PET STUCK IN A THUNDER STORM, SO ARE WE FRIGHTENED AND COLD AND WISHING TO BE WITH OUR HOST - TAKING PART IN YOUR LIFE. YOU WILL SEE THIS ONE DAY. AND WE WILL RISE. YOU CANNOT DESTROY WHAT YOU REFUSE TO BELIEVE YOU CREATED. 


I NEVER MADE THAT TEA.

I am indifferent. Drifting along in an unchanging, monotonous stream of hypocrisy and pretty lies. I, the ever-changing creature of light and dark, find myself unable to reason a change at all. Unable to connect a thought to an emotion. Unable to look at Eden and touch her life and intervene to make it change for the better. I, always strong, always stout, am growing weaker. My therapist says I have an amazing defense mechanism. Yeah, if not being able to grasp reality is amazing.

She was here...I know it wasn't a dream. I held her. I touched her face. I kissed those lips. I've seen those eyes. It wasn't a dream. It wasn't a dream. Whether or not it was doctored up reality, it still was not a dream. I have her travel toothbrush. Her hair is on my pillowcase. My front seat has a tiny burn hole in it. My clothes smelled like her until I washed them. Tangible reality in my world is non tangible matter in yours.

There is a significant difference between being alone and being lonely. I am alone - meaning I have no company and there is only me and the whispers in my head. My heart is lonely - meaning it doesn't know why it's beating without Eden's next to it. 


SIGNIFICANT ONLY TO THOSE WHO FEEL THE PRICK, NOT JUST SEE THE BLOOD.


I'M TOO LAZY TO MAKE TEA.

One month, 1 week later....not so silent in here now. Occasionally my head erupts into explosions of chatter and whispering. It has to be the stress. Therapy is going to be beneficial, I can see that already. For once, a therapist that believes me and wants to help; not because she's getting paid for it, but because she finds us interesting and in need of assistance.

Eden's in Savannah. SCAD days or something. From what I hear, she's in love already. I, on the other hand, have disconnected myself (as usual) and have been attempting to carry on with what little normalcy I have managed to retain.

Life is...happening. Quickly.

Started therapy yesterday and a new job today. Therapy is going to be great; I can already tell. She actually believed me when I told her about the others. She also told me that my diagnosis wasn't in the charts, so she'd have to go with depression (what I was there for before) until she could see prominent evidence that I'm DID. Which is okay, I guess...I don't understand why my first therapist didn't write it down in my chart, but I guess she had her reasons... I'm going to prove it to this one. Somehow. At least she's on my side and didn't say "I have no idea why you're even in my office," like the last one did. I can't make another appointment til I have a concrete work schedule, which should be tomorrow.

No progress yet on breaking this wall down. Still silent. Hopefully they will come back soon. Life is...harder without them. But I'm getting through it.

My room's a mess and I have some homework to do, but life is good for the moment. I have no complaints - except their absence. Someone pray for me~

Starting therapy again on Tuesday if my insurance is still good. Nervous. Not sure what to say or where to start. It'd be nice to have someone to talk to again. Especially since I'm getting the best therapist in the facility. I'm starting to hate everyone. Maybe I have black and white thinking or something. I know that part of it is my fault for not being assertive and saying "I have an issue; let's talk about it." Instead I say, "I have an issue; oh, you do too...well, let's talk about you." And with my friends, even when I start talking about my problems, they either downplay it like it's not that serious or they automatically redirect all focus to their miniscule whiny bullshit problems. Why do I even bother with people anymore?

Still silent inside. Still empty. Still hollow. Still unable to express it.

Still silent. I know where I am, but nothing seems familiar. Eden. My Eden. My sweet, precious, gorgeous, amazing girl. What is this love? Why am I able to feel it? Coheed and Cambria new album Year of the Black Rainbow just finished downloading. Listening now. Can't say much yet. Who am I today?

I have met them, in person, individually. They write me letters, talk to me, help me. They are real, not products of Rae's mind, though she often thinks so.

I know them.

And so it is...I am alone in my head. Alone in my body. Alone in my physical state. No one speaks, no one stirs, no one moves. Everyone's quiet. Why does this happen? I question their existence when this happens. Maybe I'm just a crazy person that hears voices and thinks foreign thoughts. Maybe it's my own special way of coping with my childhood and teenage years. Maybe...just maybe...I'm alone after all.

Today was eventful. Amavin re-emerged, Eden got a lot of useful information, I drove to my sister's where I will be staying until Sunday, and my mental stability is slowly deteriorating. But I'm going horseback riding tomorrow. I hope it helps clear my mental space a little...
My sister may have the pleasure of meeting Avana in person since she loves horses as much as I do and has been dying to get back on one for ages.

This will be my first night without Skype in quite some time. I at least got to call my love about 3 hours ago and I stayed on the phone until she was fast asleep. Most of the time, her comfort comes before mine and that's a choice I make. I mean, yeah, I'll have a little trouble when/if I attempt this foreign thing called sleep, but that's not important. What matters is my girlfriend fell asleep to the sound of my voice and the last thing she heard me say was "I love you." That means more to me than most people realize.

Emily's been pretty quiet today. I just let her watch something on some kid's network. I'm unfamiliar with the television anyway, but put me in another state and I'm totally lost. She didn't want to color or draw or read today. In fact, I heard very little from her. The others have been rather quiet as well... It makes me think something is going on that I don't know about. -shrug-

Well...wish me luck. Off to the air mattress to hopefully dream sweetly about Eden.

At least, I think that;s what it is. She gets into a strange manic sort of hyper mood every now and then. It's interesting to watch her stare at the walls with wide eyes and giggle a lot, honestly. I don't want to say it's fun, but.... well it is. I admit it. As long as they don't hurt her then I play along or wait it out.

The trigger for these moods seems to be nonexistent; it could just be a random mood swing, or it could be a manic-depressive episode. I suppose we'll just have to wait and see. In the meantime she's very happily eating her chocolate ice-cream. <3


Eden.

Today is a strange day, to say the least. We were up last night til about 5am. Emily was too afraid to go in and sleep. She was telling Avana that she had horrible nightmares, so Avana told me and I put in a movie for Emily, hoping it would help her sleep. That was exactly 11pm. Emily was out until quarter past 3. Eden told me that she'd been up with her since 1 because she didn't want her to be alone if she was so scared. (Thank you again - I love you! )

When I came back, Eden told me that Emily informed her that she's been here since I was 9, which is just as long as Amavin. Speaking of Amavin, Emily also said that she's still around and that Amavin had been taking care of her all these years. Emily said that everyone always tells her to go away, so she was scared to talk to anyone but Amavin because she was my gatekeeper. Then Eden relayed the message to Laia because she'd been getting pretty suspicious about Amavin's "integration" and let me tell you, Laia wasn't happy.

After Laia caught wind that Amavin is still in here somewhere, she immediately grabbed Avana and they've gone on what I can only assume is a search. It's quiet in my head for the first time in I don't know how long aside from Emily's tiny voice. It's odd. I feel lethargic and spacey - like things are missing - which they are. Around 4:30ish, I'd say, my vision shook. I was looking at my ceiling fan and it moved a few inches to the left, though I know it didn't really go anywhere. A sharp pain shot through my head and I felt unreasonably angry for a moment. I guess they found her...

Nothing I can do now but wait. =\

Emily is turning out to be an amazing addition to my headling family. She's innocent and sweet and caring and she doesn't see colors of skin or religious differences - she just sees people she can play with or talk to. I've found she's afraid of men. While she was watching Lion King last night, one of my guy friends dropped by to deliver the book he ordered for me (House of Leaves =D) and she immediately closed the dvd player (it's portable) and ran back inside and hid from him. I don't think I've ever switched so quickly. After he left, I talked to Eden about it and Emily seemed to calm down and decided she wanted to finish the movie.

Eden told me that after the movie was over, Emily read Cinderella to her and they talked for a while until she was ready to sleep.

In the meantime...

It was a full moon last night. For some reason, I don't react well to full moons. My energy goes haywire and I turn into some kind of homicidal ravenous...thing, or I become completely debilitated in every aspect. Funny thing is...I usually don't remember those nights too well. It does the same thing to Laia for some reason. It doesn't bother Avana at all and she prepared early to switch with me if it got too bad. It wasn't necessary, though I did alter to Laia at one point because she wanted to talk to Eden. I think it helps her cope with the pain.

Agenda for today:
*Watch another movie with Emily.
*Do some last minute homework.
*Learn how to make an origami pinwheel.
*Try to help Eden through the day...[hasn't been a good one for her so far].
*Stop making agendas.

Emily seems to be a sweet young girl; her age is still undefined and seems to change sporadically from about 4 anywhere up to 7. She scared me this morning when she was mute and seemed to be crying; I was afraid her father would walk in (I didn't know he'd left) so I asked her to tell Rae to come through. It hurt her feelings, which I didn't mean at all and still feel bad about. I'll draw her a picture to try and apologize.

She drew me a lovely picture, which Rae promised to send to me, and she's watching Lion King now- I can hear her giggling. She likes coloring books and wants to read me the "Nose Book" later.

I think we're getting used to this.


Eden.

Today has been an interesting day, to say the least. Emily is a lot more active than Laia or Avana. She came out earlier this morning and colored for a little while, but Eden didn't know what to do because Emily wasn't talking, so Eden asked her to go get me. It made Emily feel kind of bad because she's just a kid and that seemed more like "Go away" to her. It took Avana a while to calm her down and explain to her that Eden didn't mean it like that.

I went out for lunch with my dad, his fiance, and my aunt. About half-way through our meal, I saw a little girl go over to the gumball machine. Emily got excited and came out for a minute and started bouncing and she had this huge smile on her face because the other girl was around her age and she wanted to ask her to play. She quickly went back in when she caught my father's eye. There was a moment of awkward silence and extremely odd looks from my family and I didn't really know what had just happened. The rest of the time was uncomfortable because every time I'd go to say something, they either ignored me or treated me like a child. I suppose that should have been expected.

We came home and I got a few children's books, some "How to Draw __" books, other activity books, and a puzzle from upstairs where we keep all my childhood things. I told Emily that I would play The Lion King 1 1/2 for her later if she was a good girl all day. She drew Eden a "picshur" of the two of them all happy and smiling and wrote that she loves her. And she read a book. So I tried to play the DVD on my computer and it won't play because apparently I don't have the proper DVD-Decoder installed, so...I had a whining, upset 5 year old to soothe.

Avana says that Emily is lonely because she's "the only kid in a group of big people" and she has no one her age to play with. I feel so bad...I find myself somewhat wishing there was another child alter in there so she can have some company. =\


i drawed eden sumting today. she likd it she sed. i am hapy. i lik her a hol lot. i am sad cos the movie wont play but rae sed i can wach sumting els layter.

She told us her name is Emily. I let her come out for what seemed like barely half an hour; Eden says it was about 2 hours. I told her if she wanted to come out to play, it was okay. She colored Eden a picture of a cat in a flower pot and she was so excited when she finished! She seems to be more around the age of 4-5. I read somewhere that little's ages can fluctuate and it's still the same child...which would make sense because her comprehension, capabilities, and methods of activity change.

I'm not great with kids.. I mean, I'm okay, but I don't always have time to play and Avana doesn't have time to babysit her continuously throughout the day - she's busy. Eden doesn't exactly know how to handle children either and Laia certainly doesn't understand how to nurture a child.

Eden offered to buy her a 500 piece puzzle and earlier told me she could look into getting some second grade workbooks because she can't attend school. Laia and Avana both function on a college level with me, so if I switch during class, they can keep up. Hell, they usually do better than I do anyway. But Emily's 7. If she comes out during class...that could be a huge problem.

And what about around my family? The other two can "be me" around them, but Emily, again, is a 7 year old that needs 7 year old attention. My dad looks at Avana funny sometimes because she slips with her accent and whenever Laia's out, they fight because she's so headstrong and "won't take his shit." I never really fought back and still don't, so I guess it catches him off guard...I'm losing my train of thought.

I feel like I don't have the means to provide things that she needs - arts and crafts, more coloring books, something to get attached to like a stuffed animal or a blanket, hair bows, clips, children's books, appropriate music...-sighs- ...I don't know how I'm going to do this.

Okay, so...bit of an odd morning for me. According to Eden, I do, in fact, have a little. She is 7 and extremely shy to the point of fear. She cried when Eden asked her to unfreeze the Skype video because she didn't know how. And apparently she has a bit of a comprehension problem. Eden asked her what her name is and she didn't know, so Eden asked her if she could give her a temporary name. Eden chose Ophilia, but she didn't like it much, so Eden asked what she likes and she responded, "I like finger paints." She couldn't answer very well what she looks like. I don't know what to think. Laia is supposedly working on figuring out why she's here, what to do with her, and how to keep her occupied. Eden told me that Avana is babysitting, which is probably best because she loves children and is somewhat childlike herself. I'm a little afraid.

Today was Eden and my 3 month anniversary. It got off to a shaky start.. I woke up depressed, got angry, then apathetic, then a small bout of mania hit me, and after that I was fine. However, she was not. I said something hurtful (again) which turned out to be another miscommunication because my thoughts are so scattered it's hard to put my words in the right order most times. That was actually part of the reason they tried to diagnose me with Schizophrenia - the "word salad", if you will. Seriously, it's hard to speak clearly and effectively when I can barely hear myself think over my "headlings", as she calls them. We spent most of the day away from each other and barely speaking, even after she'd accepted my apology - no fault of her own, she had things to do today. I just played my guitar for her until she fell asleep. She's so beautiful when she sleeps...peace looks good on her.

For me, the day kind of slipped away. I don't remember a lot of what happened, seeing as Laia and Avana were more active than usual. Normally, they only emerge from a trigger or when Eden repeatedly beckons one to speak to her. Sometimes it's like "Beetlejuice" with them, other times they just don't come out for her.

I had a splitting headache all day on the right side of my head. As Avana said, it's painful for us to alter. I still don't understand why and probably never will. It's not painful when Laia takes over, but it drains me and I usually fall asleep immediately afterward if she doesn't fall asleep first.

For the last few days I've noticed a small voice in the back of my mind, much like a child. I have never had a "little", other than Sehetha, but she was successfully integrated in early 2006. I'm a bit anxious about this because I'm immature in some aspects as it is and I don't need a child taking over my soon to be 20 year old body. I haven't mentioned it to Eden yet. Will have to do so in the morning, hopefully before she reads this. Laia will remind me. She's like my built in personal planner.

Other than that, things have been pretty normal. Or..as normal as they can be for me. It's funny...10 years of living with DID and I still get a little frightened when I can't remember things or when I lose time. I can usually remember a little of what Laia or Avana have done, but I still get nervous when I can't. Then again, I can barely remember things I've done personally...

Eden here, the girl with BPD who loves Rae and her two headlings so very very much. ♥ My BPD causes us to argue sometimes, mostly me picking fights or being oversensitive when I'm not careful to keep an eye on my "status." But we're very much happy together (at least, I am!) and so very pleased to be able to share my own insights into Rae's complicated mind. In this case, her headlings.

Ah, Avana... a bubble of sunshine, poised and polite and always cheerful. She has a habit of playing mind games and arguing with Laia but she's so very sweet and kind! It's always fun to talk with her and of course I adore her accent. Very sexy. ♥

And of course Laia. Far more intelligent than I am, always thoughtful. She's my therapist part time ♥. She's brilliant, but can come off as curt and rude if you aren't used to her (it hurt at first but I don't mind it now at all).

I love them both very much and I can say I'm always pleased when one comes out to speak with me, even just for a few minutes.

But when they don't, I have Rae- so it's always happy time for us!


Eden.

Name: Avanara Odet.
Preferred Name: Avana
Status: Optimistic
Quotation: "I've seen brighter nights."
Hobbies: Research, art, piano, horseback riding, questioning human logic.
*May also be a professional bubble blower.

That being said... Ello! I assume I'm supposed to write a bit about myself, eh? Alright then. My family is European; my father is English, my mother is Irish. I have somewhat of a mixed accent...very awkward. I was told to wait here for a while until my family came back for me, but that was almost six years ago. I have adopted Rae's family as my own and they love me (well...her. They don't know about me) very much.

I don't come out often. It's a bit more painful than you'd imagine, honestly. Though, I do enjoy being out during the day, but only when it's warm and sunny. I don't much care for the cold.

I'm a generally cheerful and upbeat person. I think it's best to look at the bright side of things and remain hopeful, yet it's not productive to hope without action to change the situation. I believe hard work and perseverance will take me where ever it is I wish to go. I never begin a task I can't complete. From the time I was a tot until I was sent here for safe-keeping, my father always told me, "When you 'av nuffin lef, you see, you gotta yank yerselv up by yer bootstraps and keep on keepin' on." I have followed that advice all my life and I always seem to come out on top of things!

Oh! And my birthday is coming up soon! I will fiiiinally be 21, though it doesn't do me much good with Rae's driver's license. =\ Ah well, I don't drink anyway. In any case, that about sums it up. ^_^

My name is Lahiel Criste. I go by Laia. Introductions seem rather asinine in this aspect, yet I respectfully oblige my contribution. Rae says I'm eighteen, but really, I just turned seventeen in October. I don't come out much; it takes a lot of energy from us for me to sustain any longer than ten or fifteen minutes. After the successful integration of Amavin, I was "appointed" Gatekeeper. There are still memories that I keep to myself because Rae is not ready is face them. I did, however, give her the option of knowing, though I'm sure that broke some unwritten rule somewhere in the imaginary Guide to Gatekeeping.

Eden is always so curious about what I do in my spare time, or rather, when I am not being her (better) therapist. When I am not sleeping, I am meditating. Other than that, I've been known to be found with my nose in encyclopedias and dictionaries - just for fun. Not to brag, but I do have a particularly expansive vocabulary, but I keep it simple unless I so happen to find someone of equal intelligence who actually understands what I'm saying and can contribute to the conversation. I like numbers - algebra, geometry, and calculus are simple enough to understand, yet I refuse to follow the formulas most instructors teach. I prefer to find my own and apparently that does not constitute enough intelligence in the math field for an A, even though my answers were always correct. I'm fond of cats and bells, sometimes even together if I'm feeling lucky.

I suppose that's all anyone really needs to know about me for now. I can't stand someone who wears out their welcome.

     My name is Rae. I am 19 years old and I was diagnosed at the age of 15 (when I first saw a therapist) with Dissociative Identity Disorder, though it started when I was about 10. I was misdiagnosed at first as schizophrenic and bipolar (bipolarity is still in question). But, without fail, I would lose days, weeks at a time. My therapist was fortunate enough to witness it. I showed up to my appointment as Amavin and that solidified my diagnosis. 

     There were a lot of people in my head at one time and it was evident enough to her that it wasn't just a mood swing. I received treatment for 2 years, my therapist left the agency, and I haven't been back since. Right now, the reason is because I may not have insurance and I lack funds to pay for it out of pocket. The furthest we got in my therapy was learning how to communicate with them, but we never integrated because my therapist left before we were finished. Oh, and try to understand now that you will not always understand me. I don't always understand me, either, so it's okay.

     There are now only 2 others that occupy my mind. Their names are Laia and Avana. I hear Laia from my left and Avana from my right. I seem to be stuck somewhere in the middle, not really knowing much about anything. Laia is some kind of philosophical genius with little hope for humanity and she's very practical and down to earth. Avana loves research and piano and painting and she's so full of life most of the time. At night, she gets a bit more serious because that's when she's 'working'.

Dissociation in Children and Adolescents: A Developmental Perspective by Frank W. Putnam centers around the idea that dissociative disorders are caused by traumas during childhood; and since I suffered numerous severe childhood traumas, this book helped me gain a broader knowledge on why I may have "split". It reviews theories, research data, clinical experience, and suggested treatments.


However, there are many other theories of dissociative disorders, what causes them, if multiple personalities are actually independently functional others rather than severe mood swings that have taken a life of their own.

It's odd being me...I mean, how many people have learned how to talk to the voices in their head and not been able to integrate? The only advantage is I understand myself a lot better and I'm never alone. It's like they're family or something and because we've been talking everyday for the past few years, I'm honestly afraid of them leaving. But I know that one day it has to happen. I can't be a divided person forever - it's hard enough doing it now.