Guilty by Dissociation

Started therapy yesterday and a new job today. Therapy is going to be great; I can already tell. She actually believed me when I told her about the others. She also told me that my diagnosis wasn't in the charts, so she'd have to go with depression (what I was there for before) until she could see prominent evidence that I'm DID. Which is okay, I guess...I don't understand why my first therapist didn't write it down in my chart, but I guess she had her reasons... I'm going to prove it to this one. Somehow. At least she's on my side and didn't say "I have no idea why you're even in my office," like the last one did. I can't make another appointment til I have a concrete work schedule, which should be tomorrow.

No progress yet on breaking this wall down. Still silent. Hopefully they will come back soon. Life is...harder without them. But I'm getting through it.

My room's a mess and I have some homework to do, but life is good for the moment. I have no complaints - except their absence. Someone pray for me~

Starting therapy again on Tuesday if my insurance is still good. Nervous. Not sure what to say or where to start. It'd be nice to have someone to talk to again. Especially since I'm getting the best therapist in the facility. I'm starting to hate everyone. Maybe I have black and white thinking or something. I know that part of it is my fault for not being assertive and saying "I have an issue; let's talk about it." Instead I say, "I have an issue; oh, you do too...well, let's talk about you." And with my friends, even when I start talking about my problems, they either downplay it like it's not that serious or they automatically redirect all focus to their miniscule whiny bullshit problems. Why do I even bother with people anymore?

Still silent inside. Still empty. Still hollow. Still unable to express it.

Still silent. I know where I am, but nothing seems familiar. Eden. My Eden. My sweet, precious, gorgeous, amazing girl. What is this love? Why am I able to feel it? Coheed and Cambria new album Year of the Black Rainbow just finished downloading. Listening now. Can't say much yet. Who am I today?

I have met them, in person, individually. They write me letters, talk to me, help me. They are real, not products of Rae's mind, though she often thinks so.

I know them.

And so it is...I am alone in my head. Alone in my body. Alone in my physical state. No one speaks, no one stirs, no one moves. Everyone's quiet. Why does this happen? I question their existence when this happens. Maybe I'm just a crazy person that hears voices and thinks foreign thoughts. Maybe it's my own special way of coping with my childhood and teenage years. Maybe...just maybe...I'm alone after all.

Today was eventful. Amavin re-emerged, Eden got a lot of useful information, I drove to my sister's where I will be staying until Sunday, and my mental stability is slowly deteriorating. But I'm going horseback riding tomorrow. I hope it helps clear my mental space a little...
My sister may have the pleasure of meeting Avana in person since she loves horses as much as I do and has been dying to get back on one for ages.

This will be my first night without Skype in quite some time. I at least got to call my love about 3 hours ago and I stayed on the phone until she was fast asleep. Most of the time, her comfort comes before mine and that's a choice I make. I mean, yeah, I'll have a little trouble when/if I attempt this foreign thing called sleep, but that's not important. What matters is my girlfriend fell asleep to the sound of my voice and the last thing she heard me say was "I love you." That means more to me than most people realize.

Emily's been pretty quiet today. I just let her watch something on some kid's network. I'm unfamiliar with the television anyway, but put me in another state and I'm totally lost. She didn't want to color or draw or read today. In fact, I heard very little from her. The others have been rather quiet as well... It makes me think something is going on that I don't know about. -shrug-

Well...wish me luck. Off to the air mattress to hopefully dream sweetly about Eden.

At least, I think that;s what it is. She gets into a strange manic sort of hyper mood every now and then. It's interesting to watch her stare at the walls with wide eyes and giggle a lot, honestly. I don't want to say it's fun, but.... well it is. I admit it. As long as they don't hurt her then I play along or wait it out.

The trigger for these moods seems to be nonexistent; it could just be a random mood swing, or it could be a manic-depressive episode. I suppose we'll just have to wait and see. In the meantime she's very happily eating her chocolate ice-cream. <3


Eden.

Today is a strange day, to say the least. We were up last night til about 5am. Emily was too afraid to go in and sleep. She was telling Avana that she had horrible nightmares, so Avana told me and I put in a movie for Emily, hoping it would help her sleep. That was exactly 11pm. Emily was out until quarter past 3. Eden told me that she'd been up with her since 1 because she didn't want her to be alone if she was so scared. (Thank you again - I love you! )

When I came back, Eden told me that Emily informed her that she's been here since I was 9, which is just as long as Amavin. Speaking of Amavin, Emily also said that she's still around and that Amavin had been taking care of her all these years. Emily said that everyone always tells her to go away, so she was scared to talk to anyone but Amavin because she was my gatekeeper. Then Eden relayed the message to Laia because she'd been getting pretty suspicious about Amavin's "integration" and let me tell you, Laia wasn't happy.

After Laia caught wind that Amavin is still in here somewhere, she immediately grabbed Avana and they've gone on what I can only assume is a search. It's quiet in my head for the first time in I don't know how long aside from Emily's tiny voice. It's odd. I feel lethargic and spacey - like things are missing - which they are. Around 4:30ish, I'd say, my vision shook. I was looking at my ceiling fan and it moved a few inches to the left, though I know it didn't really go anywhere. A sharp pain shot through my head and I felt unreasonably angry for a moment. I guess they found her...

Nothing I can do now but wait. =\

Emily is turning out to be an amazing addition to my headling family. She's innocent and sweet and caring and she doesn't see colors of skin or religious differences - she just sees people she can play with or talk to. I've found she's afraid of men. While she was watching Lion King last night, one of my guy friends dropped by to deliver the book he ordered for me (House of Leaves =D) and she immediately closed the dvd player (it's portable) and ran back inside and hid from him. I don't think I've ever switched so quickly. After he left, I talked to Eden about it and Emily seemed to calm down and decided she wanted to finish the movie.

Eden told me that after the movie was over, Emily read Cinderella to her and they talked for a while until she was ready to sleep.

In the meantime...

It was a full moon last night. For some reason, I don't react well to full moons. My energy goes haywire and I turn into some kind of homicidal ravenous...thing, or I become completely debilitated in every aspect. Funny thing is...I usually don't remember those nights too well. It does the same thing to Laia for some reason. It doesn't bother Avana at all and she prepared early to switch with me if it got too bad. It wasn't necessary, though I did alter to Laia at one point because she wanted to talk to Eden. I think it helps her cope with the pain.

Agenda for today:
*Watch another movie with Emily.
*Do some last minute homework.
*Learn how to make an origami pinwheel.
*Try to help Eden through the day...[hasn't been a good one for her so far].
*Stop making agendas.