Death is strange. It bypasses those that deserve it, takes those that have so much to offer, and leaves us with a guilty peaceful feeling.. If anyone reads this, please say a prayer for my cousin. He wasn't supposed to live past the age of 6, I think, and he'll be 31 this year if he makes it.. He's in the hospital now. He can't breathe on his own and they have him on a respirator. His mother signed a DNR today, so my mom has gone down there to be with her. This is so hard for my entire family and everyone is praying for everyone else and I think it's just now hitting me that he's going to die. Who's gonna recite The Night Before Christmas for me now..? Sure, it takes him 20 minutes, but he knows every fucking word. He'll never finish his book.. He doesn't deserve to be in so much pain...
More from James today. I got a job at the plant; I started Friday. I was tying knots to make one long, continuous Slim Jim. Today, however, I was moved to the beef jerky side. Thank heaven. Anyways, I was loading frozen meat into a squishing machine and I guess James thought it was fun or something, so he took over. I'm sure no one noticed, so I didn't even try to stop him. I'm really glad he's been getting some air. I don't even think I told Eden about this, but he's the reason I stopped going to therapy. R, my therapist in Savannah, wanted to start integrating my alters and she wanted to do James first. She said I don't really need him, but of course I do. If I didn't, he wouldn't still be around. I think it freaked him out and he stopped coming around for a while, so hopefully he knows now that I don't want to get rid of him. Same with all of my alters, whoever's in there. Sure, I could do without a few of them. Maybe they're not around anymore, but I can't be sure. I feel like every alter that's come and "gone" is still in there somewhere, packed inside deep where I can't see or hear. It's a strange feeling. I never thought I'd have such an immaculate, intricate web inside of me. It's crazy to think that my brain is able to turn me into someone completely different with little to no remembrance of it on my part. It blows my mind. I used to think it was horrible to feel 10 different ways about something, but now I realize that it's expanded my vision in life and given me more substance and capacity as a person. That's why I stopped seeing R. We weren't going to let her take away the only thing I've ever known and truly felt was mine.
Oh 3am...
I wrote this as a journal entry to post on here and never got around to it.
James was out for a moment today. He was angry that I was wearing tight pants and I thought of the irony... The one day I wear those for like 2 hours and he showed up. He was excited about maybe getting a job at the beef jerky plant. He would be.. He wanted me to put down his information on the application and I thought that would have been silly.
The whole thing was like a shot of adrenaline when I came back. That was hours ago and I still feel hyped. That's just James, though. He's all enthusiasm and "Hard work pays off" and just an all around ball of energy. I like to imagine he would fall in love with Jack. She seems like the kind of girl that would interest him because he wouldn't understand her. Not many people do. But she'd be good for him - he doesn't much care for kissing or physical contact either.
My mind is a tilt-a-whirl.. Constantly. However, I am liking the fact that my alters are coming out. It gives me more of a sense of stability and security. It's what I know. And they, in a weird, psychobabbly kinda way, complete the puzzle.
Also, I'd like to say:
The Goodwill here is the best thing -ever-. Thank you for giving me $100 worth of shorts for $9.17.
Labels: James
I had a pretty good childhood from what I remember. My dad worked 3rd shift, so he was asleep by the time I'd come home from school. We were so happy when they put him on 1st. I had a ton of friends (as children do) and my mom was awesome and I even got along with my siblings. Now that you know that my life wasn't complete shit from the beginning, let's skip ahead to the real beginning, shall we?
I eventually got away. And all I knew to do was run my athletic ass in the direction that I saw my brother walking. I finally caught up to him, but I was too tired and couldn't speak by the time I did. He took me back to Mike's house and I went to bed. I woke up and Mike was in bed with me. His hand was in my pants and his face was so close to my neck that it was sweating from his breath. I screamed that time. I didn't hesitate. My brother came running in there and dragged him out of the bed, dragged him outside, and beat the hell out of him. So Mike's mom called the cops and we ran. Now keep in mind that I was like 75-80 lbs and no taller than 5'2". And I had drugs in my system that I'd never had before. So with all that activity and blood loss, I got a little loopy.
A patrolling officer saw us walking up the road and pulled over. I couldn't stand or speak. He thought I was drunk and he put something in my mouth and told me to blow. Two red 0's flashed and everything started getting black. I remember being put in the back of his car. And I thought I was dreaming that everything was liquid and black and too thick to breathe and I was sinking. And then it got very still in my head and there was this...not really a light, but sort of?... It was more like Navi for the afterlife. It told me I was dead and that I needed to go back because it wasn't time for me yet.
I woke up on my mother's couch drenched with sweat and urine, apparently. I made my way to the bathroom to change clothes and just cried. At the time, I didn't really know why I was crying. I guess it was Emily because it all happened to her from the point of being drug up the hill. She gave me the memory back not too long ago, actually, because she was told I could handle it. So anyways, that's the first part. The second part is just a few sentences.
By the time I told someone what I thought happened, it'd been too long to go to court because any kind of vaginal evidence was gone. But he got what he deserved. If only I could have been the guy that killed him... When I found out he was dead... I can't explain that feeling. Elation? Peace? Freedom? So many things went through my mind and I felt so many different things.. I only wish that's where it really ended...
I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts
I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom
The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero
Well, I can see behind the curtain
(I can see it now)
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom
I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom.
Turn It Off - Paramore
It seems Rae's comment feature isn't working. Does anyone know how to fix it?
Eden.
Labels: Eden
When Rae started this blog, we expected no one to read it. But Eden got so much attention, so most of the people that end up here just filtered down through her. Which is fun for Eden, we imagine, but we have to be honest with anyone and everyone that reads because we feel it's owed to you at least. We don't want our relationship to be a lie, so let's get this straight. We don't do this for you. We're not writing this blog for you or so that you'll read it; just this paragraph. This is all you will likely ever get from me, personally. I am not like Eden. I do not care for people and I do not try to be nice because I think the human race is repugnant and idiotic and the world would be better off without most of us. We have a hard enough time getting through the day, wading through Rae's miserable pool of shit and bad circumstances without occasionally becoming or being made to feel like some kind of sideshow entertainment for "normal" people. Also, I don't like you, nor do I care.
The biggest reason I'm still on this site is because I send traffic to Eden sometimes. I'm actually uber paranoid of putting myself out on the internet like this because it's like cutting open my chest for everyone to see and I know you'll never feel the pain that caused these scars or see the tears that formed these oceans. Most can't and never will understand, not even for a second, what it's like to honestly forget who you are - to forget your own face, your name, the people you love most; to look in the mirror and see yourself for the first time. Most people don't have to live life feeling dirty all the time or ashamed that you can't remember what everyone else is talking about. It's a fucked up thing to open my mouth and someone else's voice and someone else's words come out instead of my own. I'd rather be left alone...where I can't hurt anyone anymore and I don't have to feel anymore. You can read my blog, but you don't know me, and honestly, you never will. How could you? I don't even know myself..
Labels: Laia
Something's missing, today.. I woke feeling empty and lethargic with hints of nostalgia. If you can imagine what it would feel like if your brain were nauseous, congratulations; you know how I feel. My stomach is in a knot. I could have had a weird dream or something. I'm never sure anymore....just blank...
If anyone's interested, there is now a button in the top left corner to "Like" my blog on Facebook. If Eden wants one, I'll do it for her too, so check back if you're interested.
I don't think I can really categorize my blog as being about DID anymore... I mean, sure, it's still in here occasionally, but it's not the main topic. It's more about my fucked up thought processes...so...does it still work? I guess so; you keep coming back.
Oh right, so I wanted to give you guys an update in case I'm not around. I might be, but we'll see. It depends on how dedicated I am to it.
I feel like ranting about something, but I just don't feel strongly about anything right now. I did before I got online.. OH! There it is! I hate how sometimes I have it in my head to do something and then as soon as I go to do it, I either don't want to anymore or I forgot what I was doing. Okay, sure, we could blame my less than adequate memory, but you wanna know what I think happens? I think my life is some kind of government experiment and there's a microchip in my head that broadcasts high frequency signals back to a satellite that then converts it into an image map of my brain onto a government super-computer that has control panels so they can manipulate my mind using small series of electric shocks so they can figure out how much of a person's memory can safely be removed. Needless to say, they kind of overshot the safety part cos I don't remember SHIT. I also believe that all these horrible things happen to me because my life is also being broadcast on an alien television network 2 nights a week and they need drama/entertainment too. It's like how we go meddle with the wildlife (aka: lesser species) and turn their lives into entertainment for us because they don't realize a camera is there. It's scary how much that sense that makes..
Anyways...
I'm tired of being unemployed, but I'm not tired of being able to sleep whenever I want or play video games or get online or eat whenever I want to. It's not quite a fair trade for having no money, though. I would need that whole list there and frequent, regular sex to be totally fine with not having a job or being in school. God, I fail. Constantly. And it's usually because of things that are out of my control. So...WTF YO?!? What happened to free will and deciding my own destiny and all that? That's some quality, Grade A bull shit right there. ....Damn.. I'm back on the job search though because I haven't heard anything from the place that supposedly hired me. Sweet.
I love this album. There's something about Rise Against that fascinates my eardrums. I was actually talking to a friend a while back about why the 90's were a kickass decade for music as far as album releases go. There was Nirvana, Radiohead, Pearl Jam, R.E.M., the Chili Peppers, Metallica, Sound Garden, Oasis, Goo Goo Dolls, Green Day before they got all gay and shit, Alice In Chains, Matchbox 20, 2pac. I mean the Presidents of the United States of America gave us Peaches. Millions of peaches.. For free.
We also talked about this lady that's more of a dude than most men. But she's straight. We both know this because she was his daddy's first wife. She got in a fight with a guy once. She was talking shit and he straight rocked her face. Her head turned and all that. And she looked up at him, spit 2 teeth out and said "Just the way I like it."
And then he got knocked the fuck out. Thank you to those that got the reference.
I love making Eden laugh. It's like...the best thing I can do with my day. She has such a beautiful smile.. I think that one day I'll find that happy place that everyone looks for. I think it's going to be peaceful and weightless and free and bright because that's what I find in her presence if only I could just see her... -sigh-
Oh, right...my mom. She's been gone all morning so I totally forgot about how she makes my blood pressure rise when she's around. She's loud and self-righteous and all she talks about is Jesus and what she does for other people and then she turns around and complains about it. She's always complaining. She never leaves me alone when it's an inappropriate time for conversation. Such as when I'm in the bathroom (this includes all bathroom activities), sleeping, naked, crying, talking to Eden - I was on Skype with her and my mom fucking ripped ass in my room the other night and it was so nasty. And she was like..yelling (as if she doesn't on a normal basis) at the laptop, "Yeah, I farted! It was me!" I wanted to punch her. I really really did. Like...I've only done it once and I said I wouldn't do it anymore, so I had to stick to it, but with God as my witness, I wanted to.
I need to smoke now.
Oh before I forget! Mott's mango and peach apple sauce is where it's at. Just sayin'.
I lied. No more updates today. I got busy, go figure. However, I'll be working on a project, so if I forget to come back for a while, don't think I died. <3
I'm not like the SCAD kids...not like her friends...the people she knows... They talk about art and sociopolitical issues and they have talents and they come from better backgrounds than I do and they all seem much more compatible to her than I... At least, in my own mind. I keep wondering if she'll meet someone and over time, find that...let's give her a name; let's say Amy... and over time, she'll find that Amy is better for her than I am. Maybe Amy doesn't smoke pot or like to party. Maybe she writes and sings and plays guitar. Maybe Amy doesn't get so angry and say things she can't control and doesn't mean. Maybe she knows Japanese and likes anime and manga and steam/dieselpunk. Maybe her family would be better for Eden. Maybe Amy will be able to give Eden all of her attention all the time. Maybe she'll give Eden more than I can and maybe...just maybe...she'll love her more than I do........
Oh my GOD, it's 10am and I'm already overwhelmed by thoughts and processes and 2 lazy dogs.. So Eden woke me up last night and something went wrong and she got mad and told me to go back to sleep. I don't know. So I tried. I slept for maybe half an hour at a time with periods of being awake and staring at my blackened laptop screen, wondering if she was staring at hers too. I thought I heard typing, but I wasn't getting any messages, so I just ignored it. This morning I woke to a link that directed me to a particular Deviation that had basically just been submitted. Some girl from her high school wrote a long, and I mean long (but also accurate and beautiful), description of Eden and started the whole thing with, "I love her. I realize that now. I always have from the first day I met her." ....buh?? I always thought I'd be so pissed if someone else was in love with my significant other...but I'm not, I'm just...sad.. I'm sad that she has to feel the pain of loving someone that can't love her in return. I'm sad that she never tried to be with her and if she did, I'm sad for what went wrong. I love Eden. More than myself, more than anything. She's the air I breathe and the light I see by. I know how amazing she is and how easy it is to love her. I was ready to marry her after 2 weeks of knowing her, but she wouldn't give me the time of day. I mean, that girl had me on my ass. I can only imagine what years of that would do to a person... I'm totally on Eden's side, don't get me wrong. That girl did some horrible things to her. But looking back at it from my own perspective...who's to say it wasn't an eye for an eye? Oh, and trust and believe that if she ever pursues Eden, I will track her down like fucking Steve Irwin and that dude was crazy as hell. I think today is going to be one of those days that I just sit at my laptop and constantly update my blog because I have so much on my mind and absolutely nothing to do today. Which is good...cos I'm getting tired of writing this. I said my piece/peace (whichever you prefer) and I'm done with it. I'll be back later.
Labels: General
Sometimes I feel like I'm dying...and usually I hope that's what it is.
I feel like I'm going to explode. Like a ton of rocks just crashed onto my head. Everyone tells me "It'll get better," or "Things will work out fine." When, goddamnit, when? When is it my turn? When do I get a break? 20 fucking years of disappointment and arguments. 20 years of fucked up, that's what it's been. I get a few good things every now and then, but shortly afterwards, it gets broken or fucked up and needs repairing or it was never really worth a shit in the first place. I bent over backwards for anyone, cared about everything, was a good person...and then I got shit on 200 times too many. So I hardened up. I stopped giving a shit about you, you, you, and you. Oh, and you too. And continued to get shit on. WHAT DID I DO WRONG. Fuck.
Labels: General
So I kind of cracked last night, reader(s). I pretty much made up my mind to say fuck the last 20 years of my life. I've never done things the way I wanted to; I always moved according what my family would say. Not anymore. I'm not a lipstick lesbian; those are the ones I like. I'm not a butch either, but I'm definitely not girlie. I wear boxers and loose jeans and collared shirts and long shorts and wife beaters. Tennis shoes, flip flops, or boots, please. I feel like if I'm handed a pair of heels again and am truly expected to wear them...again...I'm going to dig someone's eyes out with them. I've always had fairly long hair. I think people get too attached to their hair and start using it as an identification, so I'm cutting it off. I'm not shaving my head cos it would look too weird on me (I would do it, otherwise), but I am cutting it pretty short. I'll probably follow that up with some piercings and/or tattoos along with a new wardrobe. I don't need someone else to give me a "make-over," I don't need someone to do my nails and my make up and my hair and dress me in clothes that "accentuate my body shape." ...Rant complete.
Aside from that, I was pretty upset about not being able to remember most of my life. Where did it go? Who can fill the blanks? Why haven't/won't they? When a stranger comes up to me and calls me by an alter's name...I hate it. I don't know who I know, what I've done, where I've gone, when it happened, or why it continues to happen. I do know one thing though... Avana's not going to be particularly thrilled about the hair cut.. I'm keeping her clothes, though. I'm keeping everyone's clothes except Emily's. She needs new things. Laia just wears my clothes, so that works out. I don't know you guys...I'm like a scared little kid that's pretending to be brave..
Labels: General
It wasn't completely terrible. My dog ripped up a piece of my friend's carpet, so I have to get that fixed. Today, she also dug up 2 of my sister's plants...she really never does that. Oh, also, I'm visiting my sister! I leave today though. Someone cracked my laptop screen, but no one will come forward and admit it. I'm not mad, I just want $40 to -help- replace it. I'm not trying to make someone pay for it in full because it's partially my fault for leaving it out where other adults could touch it. But of course, everyone denied it and I trust no one in that house anymore. My brother and his 4 children moved into my mom's 2 bedroom trailer...they all have to sleep in the living room til he can either get on his own feet or his lady lets him back in the house. I'm hoping for the latter. Aaaand, I have a job interview Friday!! Now I'm off to visit with my sister and my nephew!
Labels: General
I get angry a lot. I rage over something pretty trivial almost every day. Today it's my phone charging. Not chargER, chargING. Yeah. Apparently I can no longer talk on my phone while it's charging because it will incessantly beep in my ear starting and stopping the charge. It's not Eden's fault, but that doesn't really matter, does it? She's there, she's the one that called me and made it happen, take it out on her. She gets upset with me (norly?), I get more pissed off, she's talking, all I hear is beeps, I got fucking sick of it and hung up on her. Not to end our pointless conversation of "What?" "asdfasdfa" "What?" but to get the hell away from that goddamn beep. I'm calming down, but I'll be in a shitty mood for the rest of the day unless I get fucked up. That's just how it works lately. Pissed off? Smoke weed. Can't stop shaking? There's a Xanax for that. So pissed off that it hurts? Pink 10's fix it right up.
Labels: General
Update fail. I'm too depressed and out of my fucking mind to focus on writing a blog right now. Sorry... I'll recover soon and then I'll explain whatever I can remember. Emily was out today, I think.. So says Eden anyways. I'm done now..
Labels: General
So I was forced to move out of Tyler's apartment. He got an eviction notice cos Mia is over 25 lbs now (She's actually about 35) and the office people noticed. Sooo... I had a stressful weekend of moving into my mom's house (she lives 1.5 hours away, making her the closest family). I'm also passing out on my keyboard cos it's after 1am and I've had a lovely little pill. I'll update again later today. But I'm alive and I have a lot to say...later..yeah. k bye.
Labels: General
...and she won't be able to update for a couple of days. If she wants me to post anything here (or if I get the idea to) then I'll update it again. Otherwise, she'll be back soon!
Eden.
Labels: Eden
I wonder if anyone else sees silvery lines and static.... huh..
Job interview Tuesday at a cleaning service. Simple enough job, evening hours. It's part time. Better than nothing, but it won't support me. I applied for a few full time jobs too.
Oh, interesting thing happened. I was cooking earlier and I know for a fact that I turned the burner off (we have a gas stove). 20 minutes later, my roommate goes into the kitchen and a pot lid is sitting on the adjacent burner that is turned on high, but no flame. There's no way I did that and there's no way he did that because he was in the living room the whole time and I made sure I turned everything off. I feel like Sylvia Plath's homicidal cousin.
It's a beautiful day today. I think I'll stay inside and keep to myself.
Labels: General
I woke up in a fog. Nothing has seemed real yet. It's like I'm wrapped up in a warm, silky cocoon, intricately woven just for me. Yesterday I was suspended, floating right here with my feet on the ground. Time was still. Things were in slow motion and nothing made sense. It was like everything slowed down but me. I've felt more empty than usual. It's all very strange to live your life by the minute. I waste so many of them, knowing that I only get a few at a time. I've felt that itching in my brain. Walls are shifting, voices whisper...something's in motion. It's been still and silent for so long...too long...13 months too long. But the dark is creeping back behind my eyes again. I welcome this. I embrace it. It's been too long since I've had a break from the constant shit life shovels on my head. It's been too long since I've had the luxury of seeking counsel inside my own mind. It's been too goddamn long since I've tasted the abyss, let it caress me, felt the sweet burn of icy fingers dragging me down into nothing, growing ever colder. To you it may not sound glorious or even desirable. But to me..that is my safe zone. My haven. It's only mine and the dark loves me. It's been too long..
Labels: General
Who the hell am I and what have I done with Rae?
Answer?
Fuck you.
I'm not adjusting too well. Time loss is evident. Cigarettes are getting stale. Food intake is minimum. Where the hell is my lamp? I miss Eden. Mia drives me nuts and no one wants to help me with her. Lonely is lonely alone. I'd rather be lonely with someone else. Roomie didn't come home last night. I'm in the right apartment, right? This place makes my veins itch. I don't belong anywhere. I can't even go home with my family because I'm "not allowed to bring the dog," like I can trust my roommates to take care of her while I'm gone. I wish I could fly... I'd go out in search of a home.. Of somewhere I can exist peacefully without conflict. It's a great crashing, roaring noise that rips apart my mind and gets behind my eyes, X'ing everything in sight with innocent blood and heartache. Who the hell am I?
Labels: General
So...Radford is alright. This apartment is decent, I have my own room, Mia has ample room to run around and play indoors. I miss Eden. I didn't want to move back here. It's a step up from home and it's better than the situation in Savannah, but I'm missing my main component. I have a job interview Monday. Full time, $11 an hour with lots of room for ET (extra time), great benefits. It's all for Eden. I came back here, I'm getting this job, I'm going to school... It's for her. So I can take care of us later. So I can make sure she has what she needs when she needs it. I'm thankful for Ty and I'm so glad he's letting me stay here and letting Mia stay here.. I feel so strange about it..like I'm invading or intruding or a nuisance.. I want to talk to him about it, but no opportunity arises. I feel a bit shoved into this, even though I know it's the best option I have. I just want it to work..
Every morning I wake up thinking about my dog and what I can do to get him back. I think of ways to avoid moving in with my landlords. I think of Eden telling her parents on Saturday that we're engaged. I think of money and how things would be so much better if I had some. I shut my eyes tight and recap the nightmares. Then I drift off into a sort of catatonic state and stare at the wall or the ceiling, waiting for reality to go away so that I can come back. After almost 2 weeks of this, I'm exhausted and my eyes burn and I don't want to breathe because even that is a pain in the ass lately.
Labels: General
Classical music. It comes in different forms, different styles, different rhythms and tones, different emotional context and yet...it's all somehow the same. I hear it sometimes. Usually an orchestrated piano piece, soft and drowned out and somehow very close. I hear it like it's being played just outside of my house.
It never is.
Sometimes I think it's Avana working on her symphony. Sometimes I think it's a part of me that tries so hard to escape and be heard. Sometimes I think I'm just crazy and hearing things again. But it doesn't really matter what I think because it doesn't stop and I really don't mind.
A girl I used to know sent me a video through her (ex?) boyfriend, my best friend, apologizing for the way she's been acting toward us. It was through song. She's crazy talented and I've always hoped she'll be a successful musician one day. The song made me tear up a little. It was the music I had heard in my head just days before. And now I wonder...was I just hearing her compose? Was I hearing the music in her head? Had she written it before I heard it or while I was hearing it? But I'll never know. She hasn't attempted to contact me and that's okay. But I would apologize to her too. She was so close and then she shoved me back and told me to never speak to her again. So far, I have honored that request.
I miss my dog. Still haven't gotten him back. They want to start over on a trial run again because they messed him up and it's somehow our fault. Fuck you.
House isn't being foreclosed until March, so we have a few weeks to get packed and ready to move. No luck on the job search so far. Still haven't been back to therapy. Can't afford it without a job...
My head is numb. Emotions don't exist now. Eden's in class and I'm losing my mind in this mess. Literally, it's hard to move around in here. I just want change - good change - for once. I want feelings and friends and a chance to be someone new. Someone different. Someone I'm proud to be. It's such a beautiful day (68 degrees so far) and I'm sitting around inside trying to stay awake. I think I'll walk to Eden's class and surprise her when she gets out. Take her her backpack and carry her portfolio back home with me so she doesn't have to lug it around all day. I wish I could take her lunch, but we don't have any food. Actually, if I start now, I can make her rice and take it to her.
-flee-
1. Don't talk.
Avoid bringing up the few things about your past that you can remember. If someone asks, ignore it and change the subject because it'll bring up old emotions that you worked so hard to shove down and probably trigger a switch anyway. The last thing you need is for someone you barely know to find out you're a multiple.
2. Don't trust.
Trust no one, usually not even yourself. It's unnecessary and it leaves you vulnerable (unless you hardcore follow rule 3). Once you let someone in and you trust them, it gives them power over you - they can hurt you. They can betray you. They can disappear. It usually triggers when those things happen because of everything that's happened before. The whole point is to prevent it from happening again.
3. Don't feel.
Being incapable of feeling most emotions gives you a one-up on this. If you have a full range, you better not show it. Expect nothing. Don't allow an emotion to trickle through and influence your decisions. Don't get your hopes up - it leaves room for more disappointment. Don't get too happy - you're going to crash later and the depression could lead to suicide. Don't get angry; shove it down and block it out instead. Anger triggers a switch. Depression triggers a (dangerous) switch. Disappointment leads to depression, so avoid it at all cost. And most importantly, don't talk about your emotions and don't trust your emotions.
Follow the 3 rules. It's how we cope. It's how we survive. Don't attempt to stray from the path and experiment by breaking one. Let a professional work with you. But until that can happen, it's best for everyone if you just live by the rules.
It's been quite a week..or two..since I last posted (I can't keep track of time). Right now, I'm watching the History Channel on mute and listening to Linkin Park's A Thousand Suns. It's pretty mellow right now - cold, rainy day, low lighting in my room, huge cup of hot coffee (mmmm) and probably some late breakfast afterward.
Anyways... A lot happened this week. Eden had her first therapy session of the year with a new therapist and that seems to have gone well. I won't go into detail; if you feel like reading all about it, go to her blog. I've been training a puppy. His name is Hot-shot and he's definitely part Beagle and based on his build and his tail, I hypothesize the other part is Bluetick. He's a sweetheart and he's making really great progress. I'm looking for a second job - today I'm dropping off an application at Outback and crossing my fingers since one of my room mates works there and said he would talk to the manager for me.
I've been skipping therapy because I can't pay for it right now and I'm not sure if I'm okay with it. I haven't been losing time as much since Eden's been back, but I'm still carrying around a lot of pain and confusion and anger and sometimes I lose it and end up taking it out on her. I'm working on it, but it's slow progress. I'm supposed to be writing a letter to my mom that she'll never get, but I haven't touched it since I started it, I think, December 12. I'll probably let Emily color when I'm done typing because she hasn't had much time to come out lately. Then again, a 7 year old on coffee probably isn't the best idea. I'll come back and the room will be a wreck - crayon on the wall, conte on the furniture, snacks on the floor, spilled drinks, and I'll have a 2 liter in my hand and feel like I haven't slept in 72 hours (which means I'll be hyper and hallucinating). ..Yeah, I think I'll wait a while before she comes out.
My sister's baby is due in a week, so it could be any day now!! I'm so excited! She's been trying for years and kept having miscarriages, so this is her first child! I've been shaking with anticipation and keeping my phone on me at all times just in case. I reeaally hope that I can get up there to be with her when Nathan is born.
Food time is now.
Labels: General
