Guilty by Dissociation

Emily seems to be a sweet young girl; her age is still undefined and seems to change sporadically from about 4 anywhere up to 7. She scared me this morning when she was mute and seemed to be crying; I was afraid her father would walk in (I didn't know he'd left) so I asked her to tell Rae to come through. It hurt her feelings, which I didn't mean at all and still feel bad about. I'll draw her a picture to try and apologize.

She drew me a lovely picture, which Rae promised to send to me, and she's watching Lion King now- I can hear her giggling. She likes coloring books and wants to read me the "Nose Book" later.

I think we're getting used to this.


Eden.

Today has been an interesting day, to say the least. Emily is a lot more active than Laia or Avana. She came out earlier this morning and colored for a little while, but Eden didn't know what to do because Emily wasn't talking, so Eden asked her to go get me. It made Emily feel kind of bad because she's just a kid and that seemed more like "Go away" to her. It took Avana a while to calm her down and explain to her that Eden didn't mean it like that.

I went out for lunch with my dad, his fiance, and my aunt. About half-way through our meal, I saw a little girl go over to the gumball machine. Emily got excited and came out for a minute and started bouncing and she had this huge smile on her face because the other girl was around her age and she wanted to ask her to play. She quickly went back in when she caught my father's eye. There was a moment of awkward silence and extremely odd looks from my family and I didn't really know what had just happened. The rest of the time was uncomfortable because every time I'd go to say something, they either ignored me or treated me like a child. I suppose that should have been expected.

We came home and I got a few children's books, some "How to Draw __" books, other activity books, and a puzzle from upstairs where we keep all my childhood things. I told Emily that I would play The Lion King 1 1/2 for her later if she was a good girl all day. She drew Eden a "picshur" of the two of them all happy and smiling and wrote that she loves her. And she read a book. So I tried to play the DVD on my computer and it won't play because apparently I don't have the proper DVD-Decoder installed, so...I had a whining, upset 5 year old to soothe.

Avana says that Emily is lonely because she's "the only kid in a group of big people" and she has no one her age to play with. I feel so bad...I find myself somewhat wishing there was another child alter in there so she can have some company. =\


i drawed eden sumting today. she likd it she sed. i am hapy. i lik her a hol lot. i am sad cos the movie wont play but rae sed i can wach sumting els layter.

She told us her name is Emily. I let her come out for what seemed like barely half an hour; Eden says it was about 2 hours. I told her if she wanted to come out to play, it was okay. She colored Eden a picture of a cat in a flower pot and she was so excited when she finished! She seems to be more around the age of 4-5. I read somewhere that little's ages can fluctuate and it's still the same child...which would make sense because her comprehension, capabilities, and methods of activity change.

I'm not great with kids.. I mean, I'm okay, but I don't always have time to play and Avana doesn't have time to babysit her continuously throughout the day - she's busy. Eden doesn't exactly know how to handle children either and Laia certainly doesn't understand how to nurture a child.

Eden offered to buy her a 500 piece puzzle and earlier told me she could look into getting some second grade workbooks because she can't attend school. Laia and Avana both function on a college level with me, so if I switch during class, they can keep up. Hell, they usually do better than I do anyway. But Emily's 7. If she comes out during class...that could be a huge problem.

And what about around my family? The other two can "be me" around them, but Emily, again, is a 7 year old that needs 7 year old attention. My dad looks at Avana funny sometimes because she slips with her accent and whenever Laia's out, they fight because she's so headstrong and "won't take his shit." I never really fought back and still don't, so I guess it catches him off guard...I'm losing my train of thought.

I feel like I don't have the means to provide things that she needs - arts and crafts, more coloring books, something to get attached to like a stuffed animal or a blanket, hair bows, clips, children's books, appropriate music...-sighs- ...I don't know how I'm going to do this.

Okay, so...bit of an odd morning for me. According to Eden, I do, in fact, have a little. She is 7 and extremely shy to the point of fear. She cried when Eden asked her to unfreeze the Skype video because she didn't know how. And apparently she has a bit of a comprehension problem. Eden asked her what her name is and she didn't know, so Eden asked her if she could give her a temporary name. Eden chose Ophilia, but she didn't like it much, so Eden asked what she likes and she responded, "I like finger paints." She couldn't answer very well what she looks like. I don't know what to think. Laia is supposedly working on figuring out why she's here, what to do with her, and how to keep her occupied. Eden told me that Avana is babysitting, which is probably best because she loves children and is somewhat childlike herself. I'm a little afraid.

Today was Eden and my 3 month anniversary. It got off to a shaky start.. I woke up depressed, got angry, then apathetic, then a small bout of mania hit me, and after that I was fine. However, she was not. I said something hurtful (again) which turned out to be another miscommunication because my thoughts are so scattered it's hard to put my words in the right order most times. That was actually part of the reason they tried to diagnose me with Schizophrenia - the "word salad", if you will. Seriously, it's hard to speak clearly and effectively when I can barely hear myself think over my "headlings", as she calls them. We spent most of the day away from each other and barely speaking, even after she'd accepted my apology - no fault of her own, she had things to do today. I just played my guitar for her until she fell asleep. She's so beautiful when she sleeps...peace looks good on her.

For me, the day kind of slipped away. I don't remember a lot of what happened, seeing as Laia and Avana were more active than usual. Normally, they only emerge from a trigger or when Eden repeatedly beckons one to speak to her. Sometimes it's like "Beetlejuice" with them, other times they just don't come out for her.

I had a splitting headache all day on the right side of my head. As Avana said, it's painful for us to alter. I still don't understand why and probably never will. It's not painful when Laia takes over, but it drains me and I usually fall asleep immediately afterward if she doesn't fall asleep first.

For the last few days I've noticed a small voice in the back of my mind, much like a child. I have never had a "little", other than Sehetha, but she was successfully integrated in early 2006. I'm a bit anxious about this because I'm immature in some aspects as it is and I don't need a child taking over my soon to be 20 year old body. I haven't mentioned it to Eden yet. Will have to do so in the morning, hopefully before she reads this. Laia will remind me. She's like my built in personal planner.

Other than that, things have been pretty normal. Or..as normal as they can be for me. It's funny...10 years of living with DID and I still get a little frightened when I can't remember things or when I lose time. I can usually remember a little of what Laia or Avana have done, but I still get nervous when I can't. Then again, I can barely remember things I've done personally...

Eden here, the girl with BPD who loves Rae and her two headlings so very very much. ♥ My BPD causes us to argue sometimes, mostly me picking fights or being oversensitive when I'm not careful to keep an eye on my "status." But we're very much happy together (at least, I am!) and so very pleased to be able to share my own insights into Rae's complicated mind. In this case, her headlings.

Ah, Avana... a bubble of sunshine, poised and polite and always cheerful. She has a habit of playing mind games and arguing with Laia but she's so very sweet and kind! It's always fun to talk with her and of course I adore her accent. Very sexy. ♥

And of course Laia. Far more intelligent than I am, always thoughtful. She's my therapist part time ♥. She's brilliant, but can come off as curt and rude if you aren't used to her (it hurt at first but I don't mind it now at all).

I love them both very much and I can say I'm always pleased when one comes out to speak with me, even just for a few minutes.

But when they don't, I have Rae- so it's always happy time for us!


Eden.

Name: Avanara Odet.
Preferred Name: Avana
Status: Optimistic
Quotation: "I've seen brighter nights."
Hobbies: Research, art, piano, horseback riding, questioning human logic.
*May also be a professional bubble blower.

That being said... Ello! I assume I'm supposed to write a bit about myself, eh? Alright then. My family is European; my father is English, my mother is Irish. I have somewhat of a mixed accent...very awkward. I was told to wait here for a while until my family came back for me, but that was almost six years ago. I have adopted Rae's family as my own and they love me (well...her. They don't know about me) very much.

I don't come out often. It's a bit more painful than you'd imagine, honestly. Though, I do enjoy being out during the day, but only when it's warm and sunny. I don't much care for the cold.

I'm a generally cheerful and upbeat person. I think it's best to look at the bright side of things and remain hopeful, yet it's not productive to hope without action to change the situation. I believe hard work and perseverance will take me where ever it is I wish to go. I never begin a task I can't complete. From the time I was a tot until I was sent here for safe-keeping, my father always told me, "When you 'av nuffin lef, you see, you gotta yank yerselv up by yer bootstraps and keep on keepin' on." I have followed that advice all my life and I always seem to come out on top of things!

Oh! And my birthday is coming up soon! I will fiiiinally be 21, though it doesn't do me much good with Rae's driver's license. =\ Ah well, I don't drink anyway. In any case, that about sums it up. ^_^

My name is Lahiel Criste. I go by Laia. Introductions seem rather asinine in this aspect, yet I respectfully oblige my contribution. Rae says I'm eighteen, but really, I just turned seventeen in October. I don't come out much; it takes a lot of energy from us for me to sustain any longer than ten or fifteen minutes. After the successful integration of Amavin, I was "appointed" Gatekeeper. There are still memories that I keep to myself because Rae is not ready is face them. I did, however, give her the option of knowing, though I'm sure that broke some unwritten rule somewhere in the imaginary Guide to Gatekeeping.

Eden is always so curious about what I do in my spare time, or rather, when I am not being her (better) therapist. When I am not sleeping, I am meditating. Other than that, I've been known to be found with my nose in encyclopedias and dictionaries - just for fun. Not to brag, but I do have a particularly expansive vocabulary, but I keep it simple unless I so happen to find someone of equal intelligence who actually understands what I'm saying and can contribute to the conversation. I like numbers - algebra, geometry, and calculus are simple enough to understand, yet I refuse to follow the formulas most instructors teach. I prefer to find my own and apparently that does not constitute enough intelligence in the math field for an A, even though my answers were always correct. I'm fond of cats and bells, sometimes even together if I'm feeling lucky.

I suppose that's all anyone really needs to know about me for now. I can't stand someone who wears out their welcome.

     My name is Rae. I am 19 years old and I was diagnosed at the age of 15 (when I first saw a therapist) with Dissociative Identity Disorder, though it started when I was about 10. I was misdiagnosed at first as schizophrenic and bipolar (bipolarity is still in question). But, without fail, I would lose days, weeks at a time. My therapist was fortunate enough to witness it. I showed up to my appointment as Amavin and that solidified my diagnosis. 

     There were a lot of people in my head at one time and it was evident enough to her that it wasn't just a mood swing. I received treatment for 2 years, my therapist left the agency, and I haven't been back since. Right now, the reason is because I may not have insurance and I lack funds to pay for it out of pocket. The furthest we got in my therapy was learning how to communicate with them, but we never integrated because my therapist left before we were finished. Oh, and try to understand now that you will not always understand me. I don't always understand me, either, so it's okay.

     There are now only 2 others that occupy my mind. Their names are Laia and Avana. I hear Laia from my left and Avana from my right. I seem to be stuck somewhere in the middle, not really knowing much about anything. Laia is some kind of philosophical genius with little hope for humanity and she's very practical and down to earth. Avana loves research and piano and painting and she's so full of life most of the time. At night, she gets a bit more serious because that's when she's 'working'.

Dissociation in Children and Adolescents: A Developmental Perspective by Frank W. Putnam centers around the idea that dissociative disorders are caused by traumas during childhood; and since I suffered numerous severe childhood traumas, this book helped me gain a broader knowledge on why I may have "split". It reviews theories, research data, clinical experience, and suggested treatments.


However, there are many other theories of dissociative disorders, what causes them, if multiple personalities are actually independently functional others rather than severe mood swings that have taken a life of their own.

It's odd being me...I mean, how many people have learned how to talk to the voices in their head and not been able to integrate? The only advantage is I understand myself a lot better and I'm never alone. It's like they're family or something and because we've been talking everyday for the past few years, I'm honestly afraid of them leaving. But I know that one day it has to happen. I can't be a divided person forever - it's hard enough doing it now.