I had a pretty good childhood from what I remember. My dad worked 3rd shift, so he was asleep by the time I'd come home from school. We were so happy when they put him on 1st. I had a ton of friends (as children do) and my mom was awesome and I even got along with my siblings. Now that you know that my life wasn't complete shit from the beginning, let's skip ahead to the real beginning, shall we?
I eventually got away. And all I knew to do was run my athletic ass in the direction that I saw my brother walking. I finally caught up to him, but I was too tired and couldn't speak by the time I did. He took me back to Mike's house and I went to bed. I woke up and Mike was in bed with me. His hand was in my pants and his face was so close to my neck that it was sweating from his breath. I screamed that time. I didn't hesitate. My brother came running in there and dragged him out of the bed, dragged him outside, and beat the hell out of him. So Mike's mom called the cops and we ran. Now keep in mind that I was like 75-80 lbs and no taller than 5'2". And I had drugs in my system that I'd never had before. So with all that activity and blood loss, I got a little loopy.
A patrolling officer saw us walking up the road and pulled over. I couldn't stand or speak. He thought I was drunk and he put something in my mouth and told me to blow. Two red 0's flashed and everything started getting black. I remember being put in the back of his car. And I thought I was dreaming that everything was liquid and black and too thick to breathe and I was sinking. And then it got very still in my head and there was this...not really a light, but sort of?... It was more like Navi for the afterlife. It told me I was dead and that I needed to go back because it wasn't time for me yet.
I woke up on my mother's couch drenched with sweat and urine, apparently. I made my way to the bathroom to change clothes and just cried. At the time, I didn't really know why I was crying. I guess it was Emily because it all happened to her from the point of being drug up the hill. She gave me the memory back not too long ago, actually, because she was told I could handle it. So anyways, that's the first part. The second part is just a few sentences.
By the time I told someone what I thought happened, it'd been too long to go to court because any kind of vaginal evidence was gone. But he got what he deserved. If only I could have been the guy that killed him... When I found out he was dead... I can't explain that feeling. Elation? Peace? Freedom? So many things went through my mind and I felt so many different things.. I only wish that's where it really ended...
I scraped my knees while I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven
Seems like it's getting harder to believe in anything
Than just to get lost in all my selfish thoughts
I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom
The tragedy, it seems unending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking shortcuts and false solutions
Just to come out the hero
Well, I can see behind the curtain
(I can see it now)
The wheels are cranking, turning
It's all wrong, the way we're working
Towards a goal that's non-existent
It's not existent, but we just keep believing
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom
I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light
I'll turn it off, in all my spite
In all my spite, I'll turn it off
Just turn it off
Again, again, again
And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're headed for a cliff
And in the free fall
I will realize I'm better off
When I hit the bottom.
Turn It Off - Paramore
It seems Rae's comment feature isn't working. Does anyone know how to fix it?
Eden.
Labels: Eden
When Rae started this blog, we expected no one to read it. But Eden got so much attention, so most of the people that end up here just filtered down through her. Which is fun for Eden, we imagine, but we have to be honest with anyone and everyone that reads because we feel it's owed to you at least. We don't want our relationship to be a lie, so let's get this straight. We don't do this for you. We're not writing this blog for you or so that you'll read it; just this paragraph. This is all you will likely ever get from me, personally. I am not like Eden. I do not care for people and I do not try to be nice because I think the human race is repugnant and idiotic and the world would be better off without most of us. We have a hard enough time getting through the day, wading through Rae's miserable pool of shit and bad circumstances without occasionally becoming or being made to feel like some kind of sideshow entertainment for "normal" people. Also, I don't like you, nor do I care.
The biggest reason I'm still on this site is because I send traffic to Eden sometimes. I'm actually uber paranoid of putting myself out on the internet like this because it's like cutting open my chest for everyone to see and I know you'll never feel the pain that caused these scars or see the tears that formed these oceans. Most can't and never will understand, not even for a second, what it's like to honestly forget who you are - to forget your own face, your name, the people you love most; to look in the mirror and see yourself for the first time. Most people don't have to live life feeling dirty all the time or ashamed that you can't remember what everyone else is talking about. It's a fucked up thing to open my mouth and someone else's voice and someone else's words come out instead of my own. I'd rather be left alone...where I can't hurt anyone anymore and I don't have to feel anymore. You can read my blog, but you don't know me, and honestly, you never will. How could you? I don't even know myself..
Labels: Laia
Something's missing, today.. I woke feeling empty and lethargic with hints of nostalgia. If you can imagine what it would feel like if your brain were nauseous, congratulations; you know how I feel. My stomach is in a knot. I could have had a weird dream or something. I'm never sure anymore....just blank...
If anyone's interested, there is now a button in the top left corner to "Like" my blog on Facebook. If Eden wants one, I'll do it for her too, so check back if you're interested.
I don't think I can really categorize my blog as being about DID anymore... I mean, sure, it's still in here occasionally, but it's not the main topic. It's more about my fucked up thought processes...so...does it still work? I guess so; you keep coming back.
Oh right, so I wanted to give you guys an update in case I'm not around. I might be, but we'll see. It depends on how dedicated I am to it.
I feel like ranting about something, but I just don't feel strongly about anything right now. I did before I got online.. OH! There it is! I hate how sometimes I have it in my head to do something and then as soon as I go to do it, I either don't want to anymore or I forgot what I was doing. Okay, sure, we could blame my less than adequate memory, but you wanna know what I think happens? I think my life is some kind of government experiment and there's a microchip in my head that broadcasts high frequency signals back to a satellite that then converts it into an image map of my brain onto a government super-computer that has control panels so they can manipulate my mind using small series of electric shocks so they can figure out how much of a person's memory can safely be removed. Needless to say, they kind of overshot the safety part cos I don't remember SHIT. I also believe that all these horrible things happen to me because my life is also being broadcast on an alien television network 2 nights a week and they need drama/entertainment too. It's like how we go meddle with the wildlife (aka: lesser species) and turn their lives into entertainment for us because they don't realize a camera is there. It's scary how much that sense that makes..
Anyways...
I'm tired of being unemployed, but I'm not tired of being able to sleep whenever I want or play video games or get online or eat whenever I want to. It's not quite a fair trade for having no money, though. I would need that whole list there and frequent, regular sex to be totally fine with not having a job or being in school. God, I fail. Constantly. And it's usually because of things that are out of my control. So...WTF YO?!? What happened to free will and deciding my own destiny and all that? That's some quality, Grade A bull shit right there. ....Damn.. I'm back on the job search though because I haven't heard anything from the place that supposedly hired me. Sweet.
I love this album. There's something about Rise Against that fascinates my eardrums. I was actually talking to a friend a while back about why the 90's were a kickass decade for music as far as album releases go. There was Nirvana, Radiohead, Pearl Jam, R.E.M., the Chili Peppers, Metallica, Sound Garden, Oasis, Goo Goo Dolls, Green Day before they got all gay and shit, Alice In Chains, Matchbox 20, 2pac. I mean the Presidents of the United States of America gave us Peaches. Millions of peaches.. For free.
We also talked about this lady that's more of a dude than most men. But she's straight. We both know this because she was his daddy's first wife. She got in a fight with a guy once. She was talking shit and he straight rocked her face. Her head turned and all that. And she looked up at him, spit 2 teeth out and said "Just the way I like it."
And then he got knocked the fuck out. Thank you to those that got the reference.
I love making Eden laugh. It's like...the best thing I can do with my day. She has such a beautiful smile.. I think that one day I'll find that happy place that everyone looks for. I think it's going to be peaceful and weightless and free and bright because that's what I find in her presence if only I could just see her... -sigh-
Oh, right...my mom. She's been gone all morning so I totally forgot about how she makes my blood pressure rise when she's around. She's loud and self-righteous and all she talks about is Jesus and what she does for other people and then she turns around and complains about it. She's always complaining. She never leaves me alone when it's an inappropriate time for conversation. Such as when I'm in the bathroom (this includes all bathroom activities), sleeping, naked, crying, talking to Eden - I was on Skype with her and my mom fucking ripped ass in my room the other night and it was so nasty. And she was like..yelling (as if she doesn't on a normal basis) at the laptop, "Yeah, I farted! It was me!" I wanted to punch her. I really really did. Like...I've only done it once and I said I wouldn't do it anymore, so I had to stick to it, but with God as my witness, I wanted to.
I need to smoke now.
Oh before I forget! Mott's mango and peach apple sauce is where it's at. Just sayin'.
I lied. No more updates today. I got busy, go figure. However, I'll be working on a project, so if I forget to come back for a while, don't think I died. <3
I'm not like the SCAD kids...not like her friends...the people she knows... They talk about art and sociopolitical issues and they have talents and they come from better backgrounds than I do and they all seem much more compatible to her than I... At least, in my own mind. I keep wondering if she'll meet someone and over time, find that...let's give her a name; let's say Amy... and over time, she'll find that Amy is better for her than I am. Maybe Amy doesn't smoke pot or like to party. Maybe she writes and sings and plays guitar. Maybe Amy doesn't get so angry and say things she can't control and doesn't mean. Maybe she knows Japanese and likes anime and manga and steam/dieselpunk. Maybe her family would be better for Eden. Maybe Amy will be able to give Eden all of her attention all the time. Maybe she'll give Eden more than I can and maybe...just maybe...she'll love her more than I do........
Oh my GOD, it's 10am and I'm already overwhelmed by thoughts and processes and 2 lazy dogs.. So Eden woke me up last night and something went wrong and she got mad and told me to go back to sleep. I don't know. So I tried. I slept for maybe half an hour at a time with periods of being awake and staring at my blackened laptop screen, wondering if she was staring at hers too. I thought I heard typing, but I wasn't getting any messages, so I just ignored it. This morning I woke to a link that directed me to a particular Deviation that had basically just been submitted. Some girl from her high school wrote a long, and I mean long (but also accurate and beautiful), description of Eden and started the whole thing with, "I love her. I realize that now. I always have from the first day I met her." ....buh?? I always thought I'd be so pissed if someone else was in love with my significant other...but I'm not, I'm just...sad.. I'm sad that she has to feel the pain of loving someone that can't love her in return. I'm sad that she never tried to be with her and if she did, I'm sad for what went wrong. I love Eden. More than myself, more than anything. She's the air I breathe and the light I see by. I know how amazing she is and how easy it is to love her. I was ready to marry her after 2 weeks of knowing her, but she wouldn't give me the time of day. I mean, that girl had me on my ass. I can only imagine what years of that would do to a person... I'm totally on Eden's side, don't get me wrong. That girl did some horrible things to her. But looking back at it from my own perspective...who's to say it wasn't an eye for an eye? Oh, and trust and believe that if she ever pursues Eden, I will track her down like fucking Steve Irwin and that dude was crazy as hell. I think today is going to be one of those days that I just sit at my laptop and constantly update my blog because I have so much on my mind and absolutely nothing to do today. Which is good...cos I'm getting tired of writing this. I said my piece/peace (whichever you prefer) and I'm done with it. I'll be back later.
Labels: General
Sometimes I feel like I'm dying...and usually I hope that's what it is.
I feel like I'm going to explode. Like a ton of rocks just crashed onto my head. Everyone tells me "It'll get better," or "Things will work out fine." When, goddamnit, when? When is it my turn? When do I get a break? 20 fucking years of disappointment and arguments. 20 years of fucked up, that's what it's been. I get a few good things every now and then, but shortly afterwards, it gets broken or fucked up and needs repairing or it was never really worth a shit in the first place. I bent over backwards for anyone, cared about everything, was a good person...and then I got shit on 200 times too many. So I hardened up. I stopped giving a shit about you, you, you, and you. Oh, and you too. And continued to get shit on. WHAT DID I DO WRONG. Fuck.
Labels: General
So I kind of cracked last night, reader(s). I pretty much made up my mind to say fuck the last 20 years of my life. I've never done things the way I wanted to; I always moved according what my family would say. Not anymore. I'm not a lipstick lesbian; those are the ones I like. I'm not a butch either, but I'm definitely not girlie. I wear boxers and loose jeans and collared shirts and long shorts and wife beaters. Tennis shoes, flip flops, or boots, please. I feel like if I'm handed a pair of heels again and am truly expected to wear them...again...I'm going to dig someone's eyes out with them. I've always had fairly long hair. I think people get too attached to their hair and start using it as an identification, so I'm cutting it off. I'm not shaving my head cos it would look too weird on me (I would do it, otherwise), but I am cutting it pretty short. I'll probably follow that up with some piercings and/or tattoos along with a new wardrobe. I don't need someone else to give me a "make-over," I don't need someone to do my nails and my make up and my hair and dress me in clothes that "accentuate my body shape." ...Rant complete.
Aside from that, I was pretty upset about not being able to remember most of my life. Where did it go? Who can fill the blanks? Why haven't/won't they? When a stranger comes up to me and calls me by an alter's name...I hate it. I don't know who I know, what I've done, where I've gone, when it happened, or why it continues to happen. I do know one thing though... Avana's not going to be particularly thrilled about the hair cut.. I'm keeping her clothes, though. I'm keeping everyone's clothes except Emily's. She needs new things. Laia just wears my clothes, so that works out. I don't know you guys...I'm like a scared little kid that's pretending to be brave..
Labels: General
It wasn't completely terrible. My dog ripped up a piece of my friend's carpet, so I have to get that fixed. Today, she also dug up 2 of my sister's plants...she really never does that. Oh, also, I'm visiting my sister! I leave today though. Someone cracked my laptop screen, but no one will come forward and admit it. I'm not mad, I just want $40 to -help- replace it. I'm not trying to make someone pay for it in full because it's partially my fault for leaving it out where other adults could touch it. But of course, everyone denied it and I trust no one in that house anymore. My brother and his 4 children moved into my mom's 2 bedroom trailer...they all have to sleep in the living room til he can either get on his own feet or his lady lets him back in the house. I'm hoping for the latter. Aaaand, I have a job interview Friday!! Now I'm off to visit with my sister and my nephew!
Labels: General
