Guilty by Dissociation

     Things are going to go a bit differently now. I'm tired of only logging on to bitch and moan about things. And I've started something in therapy that will require a change of pace if I'm going to keep this blog up.

Progress today:
-Got out of bed.
-Successfully brushed my teeth.
-Got dressed.
-Left the house.
-Did something for myself.
-Stood in line at the grocery store.
-Spoke to house-mates.

Things to work on tomorrow:
-Emily's playtime.
-Keep myself in a good mood and vent if I can't.
-Grieve a little.
-Work as hard as I can my full shift.
-Complain less.
-Create something (the blog counts).

     Tomorrow's going to be odd. I've never grieved over my mother's absence before or anything else that required it except the loss of my uncle; that still gets to me.. It's going to be interesting, to say the least. I'm so used to numbing up over everything and shutting it out or pushing it down. My therapist says this is probably going to be the most difficult thing I've ever done and I have to be ready for it and be ready to deal with it. I've spent the last 10 years in some fucked up stage of denial. I deserve to heal and to be able to move forward with my life. I know that I can't change my mother. And I'm not doing this for her. I'm doing it for me. Finally. I have a formula now - a guideline to grieving, if you would. And yeah, it's most likely going to kick my ass and at times I'm going to wish I'd never started, but when it's over...I'm going to be new. I'll be whole. The burden that has weighed me down for far too long will be lifted and I will rise once more. It'll be intense from beginning to liberating end. I decided to do this about 2 weeks ago and for the past 2 weeks I've been talking myself out of it. Not anymore. I have to do this; I want to do this; I'm going to do this and I will see it through, no matter how much it hurts because I deserve to have a normal, functioning life.
    
     (Always end on a good note...)

     Today was pretty awesome, actually. I finally left my house and put myself out in the 'real world'...kind of. If you call the mall the real world, then okay. I did that. I purchased some new games and ordered GH with 2 Kramer's. I am pleased and one day I'll be actually be able to feel excited!  :)  Eden says it's like having a panic attack, but being happy about it. I'm not sure that I should anticipate that, but I'm going to try to feel excited when she comes back in 2 days. I've been listening to a lot of new music lately. It keeps my mind busy and I'm finding some pretty good stuff.

Also, this is the book I'm reading right now, thanks to my fiance for sending it to me. It inspired me to finally make this change. If anyone reading this has grief that hasn't been dealt with, or has suffered a loss, or experienced a traumatic event and you just can't seem to pull through on your own - this may be the book for you. It's certainly helping me.