Guilty by Dissociation

More from James today. I got a job at the plant; I started Friday. I was tying knots to make one long, continuous Slim Jim. Today, however, I was moved to the beef jerky side. Thank heaven. Anyways, I was loading frozen meat into a squishing machine and I guess James thought it was fun or something, so he took over. I'm sure no one noticed, so I didn't even try to stop him. I'm really glad he's been getting some air. I don't even think I told Eden about this, but he's the reason I stopped going to therapy. R, my therapist in Savannah, wanted to start integrating my alters and she wanted to do James first. She said I don't really need him, but of course I do. If I didn't, he wouldn't still be around. I think it freaked him out and he stopped coming around for a while, so hopefully he knows now that I don't want to get rid of him. Same with all of my alters, whoever's in there. Sure, I could do without a few of them. Maybe they're not around anymore, but I can't be sure. I feel like every alter that's come and "gone" is still in there somewhere, packed inside deep where I can't see or hear. It's a strange feeling. I never thought I'd have such an immaculate, intricate web inside of me. It's crazy to think that my brain is able to turn me into someone completely different with little to no remembrance of it on my part. It blows my mind. I used to think it was horrible to feel 10 different ways about something, but now I realize that it's expanded my vision in life and given me more substance and capacity as a person. That's why I stopped seeing R. We weren't going to let her take away the only thing I've ever known and truly felt was mine.

Oh 3am...