Guilty by Dissociation

I woke up in a fog. Nothing has seemed real yet. It's like I'm wrapped up in a warm, silky cocoon, intricately woven just for me. Yesterday I was suspended, floating right here with my feet on the ground. Time was still. Things were in slow motion and nothing made sense. It was like everything slowed down but me. I've felt more empty than usual. It's all very strange to live your life by the minute. I waste so many of them, knowing that I only get a few at a time. I've felt that itching in my brain. Walls are shifting, voices whisper...something's in motion. It's been still and silent for so long...too long...13 months too long. But the dark is creeping back behind my eyes again. I welcome this. I embrace it. It's been too long since I've had a break from the constant shit life shovels on my head. It's been too long since I've had the luxury of seeking counsel inside my own mind. It's been too goddamn long since I've tasted the abyss, let it caress me, felt the sweet burn of icy fingers dragging me down into nothing, growing ever colder. To you it may not sound glorious or even desirable. But to me..that is my safe zone. My haven. It's only mine and the dark loves me. It's been too long..

Who the hell am I and what have I done with Rae?
Answer?
Fuck you.

I'm not adjusting too well. Time loss is evident. Cigarettes are getting stale. Food intake is minimum. Where the hell is my lamp? I miss Eden. Mia drives me nuts and no one wants to help me with her. Lonely is lonely alone. I'd rather be lonely with someone else. Roomie didn't come home last night. I'm in the right apartment, right? This place makes my veins itch. I don't belong anywhere. I can't even go home with my family because I'm "not allowed to bring the dog," like I can trust my roommates to take care of her while I'm gone. I wish I could fly... I'd go out in search of a home.. Of somewhere I can exist peacefully without conflict. It's a great crashing, roaring noise that rips apart my mind and gets behind my eyes, X'ing everything in sight with innocent blood and heartache. Who the hell am I?

So...Radford is alright. This apartment is decent, I have my own room, Mia has ample room to run around and play indoors. I miss Eden. I didn't want to move back here. It's a step up from home and it's better than the situation in Savannah, but I'm missing my main component. I have a job interview Monday. Full time, $11 an  hour with lots of room for ET (extra time), great benefits. It's all for Eden. I came back here, I'm getting this job, I'm going to school... It's for her. So I can take care of us later. So I can make sure she has what she needs when she needs it. I'm thankful for Ty and I'm so glad he's letting me stay here and letting Mia stay here.. I feel so strange about it..like I'm invading or intruding or a nuisance.. I want to talk to him about it, but no opportunity arises. I feel a bit shoved into this, even though I know it's the best option I have. I just want it to work..

Every morning I wake up thinking about my dog and what I can do to get him back. I think of ways to avoid moving in with my landlords. I think of Eden telling her parents on Saturday that we're engaged. I think of money and how things would be so much better if I had some. I shut my eyes tight and recap the nightmares. Then I drift off into a sort of catatonic state and stare at the wall or the ceiling, waiting for reality to go away so that I can come back. After almost 2 weeks of this, I'm exhausted and my eyes burn and I don't want to breathe because even that is a pain in the ass lately.

Classical music. It comes in different forms, different styles, different rhythms and tones, different emotional context and yet...it's all somehow the same. I hear it sometimes. Usually an orchestrated piano piece, soft and drowned out and somehow very close. I hear it like it's being played just outside of my house.

It never is.

Sometimes I think it's Avana working on her symphony. Sometimes I think it's a part of me that tries so hard to escape and be heard. Sometimes I think I'm just crazy and hearing things again. But it doesn't really matter what I think because it doesn't stop and I really don't mind.

A girl I used to know sent me a video through her (ex?) boyfriend, my best friend, apologizing for the way she's been acting toward us. It was through song. She's crazy talented and I've always hoped she'll be a successful musician one day. The song made me tear up a little. It was the music I had heard in my head just days before. And now I wonder...was I just hearing her compose? Was I hearing the music in her head? Had she written it before I heard it or while I was hearing it? But I'll never know. She hasn't attempted to contact me and that's okay. But I would apologize to her too. She was so close and then she shoved me back and told me to never speak to her again. So far, I have honored that request.

I miss my dog. Still haven't gotten him back. They want to start over on a trial run again because they messed him up and it's somehow our fault. Fuck you.

House isn't being foreclosed until March, so we have a few weeks to get packed and ready to move. No luck on the job search so far. Still haven't been back to therapy. Can't afford it without a job...

My head is numb. Emotions don't exist now. Eden's in class and I'm losing my mind in this mess. Literally, it's hard to move around in here. I just want change - good change - for once. I want feelings and friends and a chance to be someone new. Someone different. Someone I'm proud to be. It's such a beautiful day (68 degrees so far) and I'm sitting around inside trying to stay awake. I think I'll walk to Eden's class and surprise her when she gets out. Take her her backpack and carry her portfolio back home with me so she doesn't have to lug it around all day. I wish I could take her lunch, but we don't have any food. Actually, if I start now, I can make her rice and take it to her.

-flee-

1. Don't talk.

Avoid bringing up the few things about your past that you can remember. If someone asks, ignore it and change the subject because it'll bring up old emotions that you worked so hard to shove down and probably trigger a switch anyway. The last thing you need is for someone you barely know to find out you're a multiple.

2. Don't trust.

Trust no one, usually not even yourself. It's unnecessary and it leaves you vulnerable (unless you hardcore follow rule 3). Once you let someone in and you trust them, it gives them power over you - they can hurt you. They can betray you. They can disappear. It usually triggers when those things happen because of everything that's happened before. The whole point is to prevent it from happening again.

3. Don't feel.

Being incapable of feeling most emotions gives you a one-up on this. If you have a full range, you better not show it. Expect nothing. Don't allow an emotion to trickle through and influence your decisions. Don't get your hopes up - it leaves room for more disappointment. Don't get too happy - you're going to crash later and the depression could lead to suicide. Don't get angry; shove it down and block it out instead. Anger triggers a switch. Depression triggers a (dangerous) switch. Disappointment leads to depression, so avoid it at all cost. And most importantly, don't talk about your emotions and don't trust your emotions.

Follow the 3 rules. It's how we cope. It's how we survive. Don't attempt to stray from the path and experiment by breaking one. Let a professional work with you. But until that can happen, it's best for everyone if you just live by the rules.

     It's been quite a week..or two..since I last posted (I can't keep track of time). Right now, I'm watching the History Channel on mute and listening to Linkin Park's A Thousand Suns. It's pretty mellow right now - cold, rainy day, low lighting in my room, huge cup of hot coffee (mmmm) and probably some late breakfast afterward.

     Anyways... A lot happened this week. Eden had her first therapy session of the year with a new therapist and that seems to have gone well. I won't go into detail; if you feel like reading all about it, go to her blog. I've been training a puppy. His name is Hot-shot and he's definitely part Beagle and based on his build and his tail, I hypothesize the other part is Bluetick. He's a sweetheart and he's making really great progress. I'm looking for a second job - today I'm dropping off an application at Outback and crossing my fingers since one of my room mates works there and said he would talk to the manager for me.

     I've been skipping therapy because I can't pay for it right now and I'm not sure if I'm okay with it. I haven't been losing time as much since Eden's been back, but I'm still carrying around a lot of pain and confusion and anger and sometimes I lose it and end up taking it out on her. I'm working on it, but it's slow progress. I'm supposed to be writing a letter to my mom that she'll never get, but I haven't touched it since I started it, I think, December 12. I'll probably let Emily color when I'm done typing because she hasn't had much time to come out lately. Then again, a 7 year old on coffee probably isn't the best idea. I'll come back and the room will be a wreck - crayon on the wall, conte on the furniture, snacks on the floor, spilled drinks, and I'll have a 2 liter in my hand and feel like I haven't slept in 72 hours (which means I'll be hyper and hallucinating). ..Yeah, I think I'll wait a while before she comes out.
 
     My sister's baby is due in a week, so it could be any day now!! I'm so excited! She's been trying for years and kept having miscarriages, so this is her first child! I've been shaking with anticipation and keeping my phone on me at all times just in case. I reeaally hope that I can get up there to be with her when Nathan is born.

     Food time is now.